Hi and welcome to Radical Self, the podcast where we strip away the illusions that keepyou performing, pleasing and playing small, so you can reclaim the power that's alwaysbeen yours.I'm your host Thorildur, a tantric somatic coach, truth teller and a mirror for yourmost authentic expansion.Here we go deep, we get honest and we meet the parts of you that are dying to come alive.We actually met many many years ago, like 14 years ago when our babies were small andso we have kids with the same name, boy and a girl, and it's a very rare name, so wewere both very excited and shocked to hear that we had kids with the same name.And we first bonded over parenting, so you were doing a thesis about something aboutor attachment parenting.Yeah, attachment parenting.Attachment parenting, yeah.So that's when we first got to know each other and then we kind of had a slow period fora few years of our friendship until I invited you to join my retreat.I think that was the kind of turning point.Yeah, it was a turning point.Yeah, I remember I went to a workshop you did and you just looked so sexy.I was like, what happened with her?She's so sexy and so confident over there.Like, what is going on?What is going on with her?And then I was preparing my retreat and I thought of you and I was like, oh my gosh,it would be great to have you there.So you joined my retreat.That was three years ago?Three years ago?Three years ago.And from then you decided to do the Vita coaching.Yes.It was the same training as I did.And that's when our relationship really took off.So we traveled to Costa Rica last year to do Leila Martin's retreat and a whole bunchof other things.Yes, yes.Yeah.Anything you want to add to our friendship forming?Let me think.No, I don't think so.But it was really funny.Like, I remember we were really friendly always when we saw each other.We were really chatty and there was always like this kind of connection.Like a friendship attraction.Yeah, yeah.There was something there.Yeah.But nothing ever really happened until I came to...To the retreat.Yeah.So that was...Yeah.It was fun.Yeah.Okay.Long build up.A very long build up.The foreplay was many years.Yes.Twelve years or something.Twelve years of friendship foreplay.Yeah.Okay.You are now sitting in my living room, pregnant with your fourth baby girl.Yes.Yes.Very exciting.Mm-hmm.And we are going to talk about some of the things that have been the most juicy of ourconversations where we were like, why didn't we bring the mics?And...Yeah.And where should we start?Hmm.I think we should dive in with our conversation about how men and women are different in warmingup to sex.I think we should dive right in.Yeah.Sure.Let's do it.Yeah.I like it.So what do you remember from that conversation and what do you wish people knew about it?I wish everybody knew that we are like...But it isn't very...It's not excluded to women and men.No.It's most common in the difference between women and men.Yeah.And that is that women need more time to warm up before sex.Mm-hmm.It's about 20 minutes.Mm-hmm.At least.Mm-hmm.And that can also be like different.Yeah.It can be more or a little bit less.Mm-hmm.Yeah.That's just been a game changer for me to know that.Mm-hmm.Like conversation with women, like knowing that and also like the responsibilityof like taking responsibility for your own pleasure, for your own turn on as a woman.Mm-hmm.As a woman.Mm-hmm.And not putting it all on your partner.Mm-hmm.Okay.Mm-hmm.I want to hear more about this.Mm-hmm.So how was it a game changer?Well, the game changer was maybe more the responsibility.Okay.For me.Okay.Okay.Yeah.So how did you, how did you experience it before and how do you approach it now?So now I, what do you call it, like, so now I am the one that builds up my own turnon and, yeah, and take responsibility for my own pleasure.Okay.When you say you are the one to build up your own turn on.Mm-hmm.Like, what does that look like?What does that look like?That can be very different.But just having, just thinking about sex more.Mm-hmm.Thinking about, and also like doing pleasure practices.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.And just approaching my husband in a, in a way that's like, that I, doing pleasurepractices.Mm-hmm.And doing stuff and approaching him in a way that I know nourishes me and turns meon.Mm-hmm.And not waiting for him to come and give me the, the kiss or the, or the, or the hugor the, or the attention.I'm going after it myself because I know, because I know that's something that will turn me on.Okay.I love this.I got so excited when you said, so when you said, I approach, I approach my husband ina way, I thought you were going to say, you know, that lights him up, but then you saidthat I want.I want.Yes.I was like, oh, hold on.That's a plot twist.Yeah.Okay.Yeah.So you're, you're approaching him.Mm-hmm.In a way to use him for your own pleasure.Yes.Exactly.And I, I, I wrote a stuff stack, an article about this, also, about how I came to himand tell, told him that I had kinky thoughts about him today at work.Mm-hmm.You know, that's, of course, lights him up as well.Mm-hmm.But it also lights me up.Mm-hmm.So it's not.Okay.Yeah.So that's the responsibility shift.Yeah.Yeah.Definitely.And why, yeah, what would you wish more women knew about this?I think a lot of us are just waiting for, for them to approach us and give us attention,give us the love and affection that we want.Yeah.Not asking for it.Yeah.Not asking about it ourselves.Yeah.So I think both asking for it.Mm-hmm.What you want.Mm-hmm.And then, yeah, just taking initiative and doing it.Yeah.And not waiting for them to reach your mind.Mm-hmm.And like, figure out how, how you are turned, or what turns you on.Yeah.And one, so about the 20 minutes, you said that it takes women.Mm-hmm.Longer to warm up.I've, I've heard this analogy that women are like hot water on a stove.Yes.And like, for them to be aroused, it's like the water boiling.Mm-hmm.But that men are like the fire underneath.It's like a, a gas stove.Yeah.Where you just like, turn it on.Yeah.And like, they're on.Mm-hmm.Whereas women need that 20 minutes to boil.Yeah.The water.Yeah.Exactly.Yeah.That was also a big shift for me.And, um, what I've been learning about this, um, or what I have learned and really integratedis taking that time, that, those 20 minutes.Mm-hmm.And, um, being responsible for, um, getting in the, I would say getting in the state.Mm-hmm.And for me, it really helps to turn my body on.Mm-hmm.Like not in a sexual way, but like taking a long shower.Yeah.Or dancing.Or moving.Or stretching.Mm-hmm.Or doing a breathing exercise.Mm-hmm.Or like something that shifts my body.Mm-hmm.Into a state from being like, controlled from the mind, into being me feeling my body.Yeah.Yeah.Like when, when I'm present in the body, then I'm much more available to sexual arousalor sexual touch.Mm-hmm.But what I'm learning now, and that's why I love you said, you came up to him with yourkinky thoughts.Mm-hmm.Um, yeah, I feel like I'm reaching a plateau of how much I can get out of this shift.Mm-hmm.Because this was a big shift for me.Mm-hmm.To just notice my body more.And, yeah, I'm noticing that I want to go more into what specific, um, either thoughtsor actions.Yeah.Are the things that bring me.Mm-hmm.Either pleasure or that mental arousal.Mm-hmm.Um, beyond what the body is feeling.Mm-hmm.Yeah.So that's why I love you mentioned the kinky thoughts.Yeah.And I remember now what, one of the things that we were talking about when we decidedthat we're like, okay, now we have to go make a podcast.Yeah.We were talking about this, um, in your hot tub, I think.Mm-hmm.Um, and I was talking to you about, um, the book Pussy.Mm-hmm.And how that also was something that really.Ah.Had an impact on me.Mm-hmm.And how, like, how she talks about, um, what you can do to be in this state and be more,like, in your, in your kind of, um, sexual or sensual energy.Mm-hmm.And from, but in, just in day-to-day life.Mm-hmm.Um, and I was, I was, um.Mm-hmm.I was telling you to try it out.Was, uh.It was the, um, waking up every morning and with a mirror and, and saying hello to yourpussy.Yeah.Yeah.And I did the, I did a challenge last October.Yeah.This was Octopussy.Octopussy challenge.Challenge.Yes.Where, uh, I woke up like, it was probably for a month.Yeah.For the whole month.I woke up, woke up every morning and did this.Mm-hmm.Um, and also her holy trinity.Um.Um, questions.Yeah.Which were also really powerful.What was the holy trinity again?Um, it was, um, bragging, three things you brag about.Mm-hmm.Three things you are grateful for.Mm-hmm.And then.Mm-hmm.Three things that you want to happen.Yeah.And then.Three desires.Three desires.Yeah.Yeah.Three desires.And then you end, like, the sentence of three desires and so it shall be.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.Mm-hmm.yourself to think more about sexis, yeah, it just makes itmore accessible, like it'scloser to youand I really think that this isa conversationfor us to havelike on a societal levelthat I think one of the reasons whywomen don't take this responsibilityis becauseit has been shamed that women want thingsand it's beenjudged, so women areI've heard this sentence that iswomen are only to be desiredbut not to be desiringso it's okfor me to be desired by othersbut not for me to belike having my own desiresand that's what I think is thepermission slip that women needthat it's ok for you to want thingsand yeah, I have this bookcalled Want and it's just a collectionof fantasies, like women's fantasiesand then there'salso a book called Untruewhich was also, I mean that was a huge permission slipfor me when I read it two years agothat was even after I did the VEDA trainingafter I had been open for many yearsthat Istill found layers of conditioningthat were holding me back fromallowing myself to want thingsand yeah, so I think thatstarting to realize that youcan take responsibility for your desiresand allow yourself to wantthings is going to greatlyimprove your sex lifeDefinitelyHey babeIf you want to stop fantasizing about non-monogamyand finally start living itwith full safety, respect and clarityI would love to invite youto my upcoming courseLife Beyond MonogamyYou will learn the step by step of how tonavigate the challenges in daily lifeof loving openly from someonemewho has been happily polyamorous withmy husband for over 8 years nowIn that timewe have been through several additionalromantic relationships, lovers, breakups,breakthroughs and we've alwaysfound a way back to ourselfand each otherIf you sign up for the waitlist nowyou will benefit from early access bonusesas well as the founders ratewhich is the lowest price this coursewill ever beYou will find the link in the show notesand if you have any questions, just send me a message on Instagramand I would love to hear from youI'm also thinking aboutwhen you're talking aboutthiswe've been put in suchlikeanother word has gonefrom my mindwe've been insuch a state of victimhoodfor a long time as womenboth of course that we'vebeen set in placedefinitely, but we've alsokind ofinbeing set in that placewe've been also keepingourselves there in a waywe've adopted the mindset that we are stuckwe're not allowed and we can'tyeah, we've been in thisnot thinking that we don'thave a choice a lot of the timeand things keephappening to us, it's not that we'rechoosing what we're doingCan you think of anexample from your life whereeither like nowyou can recognize you were in that victim stateor can you remember a momentwhere you realized that you were in thisvictim state that you didn't have to be?So, I recognize I haven'tbeen in this victim stateespeciallywellof course I think you're notin it in every area of your lifenecessarily, butbut on the topic of sex and desire maybeyeah, or in that topic, definitelyyeah, definitelyjust like, I think a lotof womenhaving the responsibilitynot being in my courtand me not having a lot ofsay about howor justnot thinking about it, likenot being awarejust reallyjust really conditioned bysocietyand not reallythinking about it a lotyeah, exactly, that's what I remember for myselfis that I just don't think I wasaware that I could want moreandI experienced sex as this thing that I didfor my husbandI mean, I usually enjoyed ita lot, but Idon't remember having the thoughtooh, I wannaadd this thing, or I wantto do this, it was morealways in reactionto what he wantedand of course he wanted things that were very pleasurablefor me, and you know, I had great orgasmsand there was a lot of pleasureand fun in it, butit was still such a fraction ofwhat is actually available to meand what I havesince experienced, like since Igot this awareness, and I think for methe biggest shift inawareness happenedafter we opened our marriage, when Ihad the option to have sexwith other peoplebecause then I needed to be in control ofyou know, setting up the arrangementslike meeting people, talking aboutwhat I wantedwhich was so different fromthe pattern that I was used toin my marriage, so that was for me a hugeshift, but of course you don't have to open your marriageto have this shift in consciousnessyeahyeahI'm trying to rememberand so I think the awarenesspiece about being awarethat you could wantdifferent thingsandyeah, that you canthat you can createmore pleasure for yourselfI think that is the bigshift that I hope all womenreceive, definitelyyeah, yeah, it's hugeyeah, that you canhave a big influence, and I think againcoming back to the permission, I thinkwhat is needed for many women is just to feelallowed to wantand allowed to ask for thingsand maybemaybe there ismaybe there is even unconsciousjudgment from the partnerthat they shouldn't, like that it's slutty to wantthings, it's slutty to ask for thingsand yeah, so maybethat's an area to exploremaybe having a conversationmaybe sending this podcast to your partnerand reading the book Untruethat was a huge opener for meand getting permissionyeahand so now you're pregnantwith your fourth babyso what does it feel like to beyeahhaving gone through this sexual awakeningor being pregnantas I can imaginethere's not the sameresources availablebut maybe I'm assumingI think you knowI know some of the storyyeah, it's been actuallyquite disappointingI haven't really hadwell I don't know, it's just beenbecause I haven'thad like, it's not beenbeen an easy breezypregnancy, it's been quite hardyeahso I would haveI would want to be having moremore sex andactually likeand also because I know and I feelthat everything's heightened when you're pregnantyou feelpleasure in such a more intenseway and you have so much moreblood flow down there and it's likeit's so juicyso juicyand not beingfeeling so welland not being able to be in thatmore and enjoy it moreit's been, yeah, disappointingand also having a teenagerand yeaha house under constructiona house under construction, it's beenyeah, not a lot ofyeah, not a lot of timeit's been difficult and of course I know thatit's our responsibilityto find timebut it's just complicated when there'sso much going on, yeahyeah, you really chose the full packagefor this yearlet me opt for the full packageyeah, it's been a full, full packagelet me upgrade everything at onceyeahokay, but you have experienceof having kids before and we've hadconversations about this because you're a parenting coachyeah, and I'm curiouswhat, how you seelike all thethings that you know about parentingand the parent-child relationship and all of thathow does thator does it overlap, like how do yousee the link betweenthe mother's responsibilityof her pleasure and the waywe also have responsibilityin how we parenthow do those work together or even against each otherwow, it's a complicated questionI know it's a complicated questionbut you're smarthow does that overlapI don'tlike if you combine all the experiencethat you have in the parenting field, oh yeahand now all the knowledge that you havein the more eroticor, you know, sexual healthside, what do youwhat would you want to, what wisdomdo you want to bring to motherswow, it's just soit's the same, likeit's the connection, it's allabout the connection and you're responsiblefor the connection to your childand of coursethere are two, that's likeyou are always the responsible onein a parent-child relationship, but of courseif you have a partneryou know, a partner is also responsiblebut, like, it'ssometimesit's like50-50but then sometimes you're having a periodwhere, with yourpartner, where you aremaybe 80-20 or vice versaso that's allin what regards, like what's the 80-20 or the 50-50like being in tunedand being connected and havingconnection bits with each otherlikeof course you want it to bein a good balancebut that's not always availablelike we are in different seasonsof our liveseverybody, soalso being ableto go with thatand work with thatyeahstaying in it with your partnerwhen your partner isin a less percentage than you areand you want your partner to be able tostay with youandwhen you are in a lower seasonin lifeso what would you wantif you are the lowerwould you sayless resourced partnerlet's say there's a lot going on at workor maybe some health thingsand you are less resourcedwhat would you want yourpartner towhat can I saythis is her alarm going offbecause she's a responsible motherand she needs to go pick up kids in 10 minutesso we'll be wrapping this upso if there isthis 80-20 balanceyeah what would youbecause I'm sure that a lot of listenersare in this or have beenyeahwhat would you say to peopleon either side of thiswhat would I say to peopleumum, soI would sayto the one that's less resourcedumexplain itto your partnertell them or her what's going onhow you are feelingcan you give us a demowell thisjust happened like this has been happeningor happened with us nowduring this pregnancyum soyeah justumdemoyeahI'm putting you on the spotbecause I know thatif we would just say explain it to themsome people may have maybe never heardthese wordsand they've never seen this modeland they don't even know how they would explain itokaysoI think I wouldyeah just start bysaying like I've not been feelingvery umvery well latelyI've been rather like downit's been a lot ofpressure at workum andI'm not feeling very well in my bodyI'm feeling really lethargicumand I wouldreally liketo feel more supportedby youum I know it's difficultand I know that I come off likethat I don't want your attentionI don't want your affectionum of course because I'mnot alsoand I'm less offeringand doing it by my owninitiative so it maybe lookslike I don't want you or don't want the affectionbut that's not the caseit's more thatI'm justfeeling the way I'm feeling andI wouldreally like it if you couldum maybe give me a little bitextraum bits foraffection andand yeahand when you sayextra bits for connection you mean likeasking the other partner to reach out to you moreyeahand just showing understandingand likeand like there's one thingI think it's really common forum big householdslike kids andlike I haven't takenum out of the dishwasherwhen you get home and thefood is all over the kitchen or somethinglike can you pleasejust give me alike umkind of a discountcut me some slackand rememberand I know it's difficult likeI also want toacknowledge my partner's feelingslike I know it's difficult to come homeafter a long day of work andum maybethe house is a mess and he has beenall over the place umso it's really easy for our brains to go tothe negative and go intoa negative spiralthat's just how our brains are builtum especially under stressespecially under stressso yeah just askingumasking your partner to rememberand kind of remind themselvesalrightumI want to do a demoI want to demo the responseto your partnerand I just heard thisumok what would I say backI would sayok thank you for naming all of thisI really appreciatethat you acknowledgethat it's been more stress for menow that you are tiredand you don't feel goodand I'm also sorry that you feelnot so good I know it's hard on youand uhand yeah I'm glad to hear thatit's not that you don't want to connect with meuh that feels good to hearand umI'm sure I knew that but it'sit's also good to hear thereassurance umso thank you and I would love to tryto connect to you moreand uh yeah thank you for naming thedishwasher that was really making me madso yeah I knowI'll try to be more patient on that oneum thank youthank you so much I appreciate itappreciate youappreciate you tooyeah what I really feelwhen I hear these wordsoh I'm out of the demois just likehow relieving it feels to the nervous systemto hear words put to somethingthat's happening because everybody can feel itand umor maybe they can feel it but they're not reallyconscious of that it's happeningso just having it put into wordsis comfortingand I think people mightmistake umputting words to this asthat would make it worselike if I bring attention to this it's going to make it worsebut it's actually so much the oppositethat it's so comfortingand soothing to hear somebodyown up to what is happening even if it's a small thingand like II would really encourage people who are listening to thisto try it with like tinythingsyeah definitely it makes a hugehuge differencebecause we are also we are so quick to gointo storiesyeah into rejection mode likeshe doesn't want meI'm going to reject her backand then you go likewhen you feel rejectedand feel that she doesn't want youorum yeahand thenseeing all the stuff that's been going onnot happening at home or whateverthen your negative spiral gets so much biggerand it gets like thisback and forthyeah negative feedback loopnegative feedback loopyeahit's horrible so now you have one demoso now you're going to go home and practiceand you can also do something similarin a positive wayyeah definitelyyou can also say like wow I'm so lit up after this work weekI feel so you know aliveand I would love to share more of it with youyeahand enjoy this high vibewe have or high energy stateor whateverdo you want to brainstorm some ideas of what we could dotogether yes that'syeah so you can also do this in a positivewayok I'm going to honor your time because you need to go pick up kidsand is there anythingyou want to add to the endit's really like the positivethe one that you said in the endand also like justbe reallylike do moreof thatthat's also been a game changer for melike when I actually think these thingstell themexpress them to your partnerlike the other day I was likebecause I'm pregnantand like I was telling you beforeI would like to beenjoy thispregnancy morewith all the heightened thingssoand we haven't really had a lot of timeor like figured it outlike I would have wantedbutnow I expressed just recentlylike can we maybe have abecause I've stopped workingso I have time during the daylike can you visit me during lunch time this weeklike yeahsojust naming when you think ofyour partner in a positive wayand you think of him in that waysend him a message let him knowlike awaken itmore like take responsibility forit and notlike being waiting for something to happenthis was a huge thinglike this was I think the biggestshift I made in our relationshipwas after a long period of a lot ofcomplaining and like yeah I didn't feel like any ofit was like such a shitty timeand I justthere's one moment I had this like light bulb momentlike okay all this fucking complaining isnot working I'm gonna stopit and I was literally like I'm gonnaput a cork in it like stop complainingand just pour joyinto my relationshiplike that's literally I was on a secret missionto pour joy into my relationshipand it was so funI didn't tell my husband about it I was just doingall kinds of fun things and likeyou know making jokes I was telling him more aboutsmall little things I was enjoyingabout our kids I was just like pouring joyand love into the relationship and it shiftedso much it's likegiving oxygen to asystem that was so deprivedwowthat's where you're like parentingthat's where one waythis like is the sameyeslike if you keep criticizing your kidsgiving them negative attention about not hanging up their coatsnot putting away theirthings like all thethings then you're actually gonna get more of thatif you give them attention formisbehaving or whatever you're gonna get moremisbehavingand if you givestop giving attention to all of thatand start giving them positive attentionpraising them like loving themget more of thatyou get more of thatto give attention to grossexactly where your attention flows energysomething like thatwhere you put your energyor the tension the energy is gonna flow with itamazing well I wanna knowwhat you loved about this conversationcause we need to have Elsa back I know there's likea gazillion things we need to talk about morethat are more juicy andmore fun but I'm happy we got this chanceyeah me too thank you for having meI will link your sub stack in theshow notes so people can find you thereI mean you might take some time offfor babies butbut stillI want you on their radarthank you so much for thistchauif this episode movedsomething in you I would love to hear itsend me a message on instagramat risewithorhilduror follow any of the links in the show notesthere are other ways we could rise togetheruntil next time keep choosingtruth power and your ownradical self
