Hi and welcome to Radical Self, the podcast where we strip away the illusions that keepyou performing, pleasing and playing small, so you can reclaim the power that's alwaysbeen yours.I'm your host Thorildur, a tantric somatic coach, truth teller and a mirror for yourmost authentic expansion.Here we go deep, we get honest and we meet the parts of you that are dying to come alive.In this particular episode, I want to walk you through an answer to an Instagram questionthat I got and I'm doing this from the beautiful landscape of my neighborhood where I'm walkingaround the lake.So if you hear these crunchy footsteps, it's me walking on the gravel.And maybe you might hear the swans or some birds in the background and this is reallya precious evening in Iceland.It's the day after midsummer when I'm recording this, so June 22nd and it's 11 in the eveningand it is bright as day out.So I have both a cap and I have these red glasses, these blue blocking glasses to hopefullysalvage some of my sleep.Anyway, okay, I'll tell you the backstory of the question that I got.So the question was, me and my wife have tried swinging.I loved it.We went to a few clubs, but since then I've noticed that she is kind of done with it.She's like, this was nice to try.I don't need it anymore.What do I do?And so my answer to this question.This answer will go.A little bit deep and I can tell you about two times in my relationship with my husbandwhere this was a part of our journey, like kind of a similar situation.The first one was early on when we had just started talking about opening up and we wereboth feeling thrilled, the excitement of having this new conversation where we were beingso open and honest about things that we probably thought we would never share with each other.Like longstanding.Ending hidden fantasies, people who would like to have sex with, like all these radicalthings that we thought were so taboo to be discussing, but was so exhilarating and itbrought us so close together.The sex was so much more fun.We like, we're all of a sudden super excited to talk to each other, which I mean, to behonest, when you have two young kids, like there's not a lot of that, not that many thingsthat you're like super excited to talk about just because you're tired and you don't havethat much time.Anyway, I've shared the.Before we were in a good place, so we were, we were happy.We were taking mostly very good care of ourselves and our relationship.Anyway, I'm getting off track.So we were having a lot of fun after we opened this discussion and there was a point whereI realized that my husband was kind of like the wife in the question, content with thingsjust staying where they were, like not going any further.He wasn't bringing it up, the topic necessarily beforehand.So we would like talk about different fantasies, but we didn't really talk about going further.And that's where I realized I was waiting for him later on after we had opened, we didfor a brief moment, play around in the swinger lifestyle kind of vibe.So we did go to a few clubs and we did meet up with, I don't know, some couples.And for me, it just really wasn't the vibe and haven't fully figured out why.I haven't,I haven't really given it that much try, but I was kind of like that wife in that message.And I was like, I'm, yeah, I'm feeling kind of done with this.I don't, it's not vibing with me.I don't feel like I need more.And that was, yeah, similar to the guy in my DMs.I imagine my husband felt disappointed.Like he was having fun.He wanted more.So how do I answer this guy?Who is there hoping to get more adventures?Who wants to have more fun with his wife and doesn't know how to move forward?So the main thing that I want to name in this is if, if there's a situation where you,I mean, I don't know this guy a lot, barely at all.So I don't really know any backstory, but when you feel like your happiness in a relationshipis kind of stuck on.And your partner moving ahead, um, what I think is important is to name for yourselfwhat it is that you are feeling stuck about.Like, what is it that is stuck?So it's, it's moving beyond, like, I want to go to more swinger clubs to go a layerdeeper and like, what need is not being fulfilled by this particular situation being stalled?Or what?What desire am I hoping this would fulfill for me and even what feelings are present aboutthe topic?So if there's a disappointment, which would be very normal, I'm disappointed that we'renot doing this.I, you know, I miss you.I miss, I miss the version of you that I got to see in those clubs, or I miss the versionof me that I get to be with you in those situations.So whenever there's something like this, like what hasn't been spoken, because usuallyour minds, our egos don't want to go there.They want to go straight into analyzing the other person.They want to go to solution and fixing, like finding the next steps.And they, at least my mind, very often wants to go to blame the other person.You always do this.You never do this.You're the reason why things are boring.Like, well, you know, all of, I'm sure you know this narrative.Now, I've made a vow to myself to not blame anyone for anything that I am feeling unhappyabout.And that's what I encourage you to do too.I know it's difficult, but I encourage you to do so.So the reason why I'm naming what the mind and the ego does is because that is not agreat place to start a conversation about things that have to do with venturing outsideof the sexual norm.Because whenever there is something outside of the sexual normative box, there is verylikely shame.So my guess is that there is shame hiding behind the wife in the question.Now for me, I'm okay checking.Was it shame for me?No, it wasn't shame for me because we were already polyamorous.So we had already done a whole bunch of shame shoveling by the time me and my husband gotmarried.Me and my husband were talking about swinger clubs.So that wasn't shame for me.It was just, it didn't feel aligned in that moment.But for many, and I'm getting more and more swingers come to me for consultations lately.So it's kind of on my mind.And what I see with people who are kind of on that spectrum of non-monogamy is thereis still a lot of holding, like holding on to wanting the relationship back.The relationship structure to stay the same, which is normal.And wanting to not rock the boat too much, wanting things to stay stable.And I think a big part of why we want that and why obviously not everybody wants tobe non-monogamous, but there's a big portion, I think, of people that would love to, butthey are afraid of facing the shame.Hey babe, if you want to stop fantasizing about non-monogamy and finally start livingit with full safety, respect and clarity, I would love to invite you to my upcomingcourse, Life Beyond Monogamy.You will learn the step by step of how to navigate the challenges in daily life of lovingopenly from someone, me, who has been happily polyamorous with my husband for over 8 yearsnow.We have been through several additional romantic relationships, lovers, breakups, breakthroughsand we've always found a way back to ourself and each other.If you sign up for the waitlist now, you will benefit from early access bonuses as wellas the founders rate, which is the lowest price this course will ever be.You will find the link in the show notes and if you have any questions, just send me amessage on Instagram and I would love to hear from you.So, when there's shame to be faced and talked about, it is very counterproductive to do thatfrom the mind that judges and places blame.So my approach would always be, like I said before, talk about the feelings underneath,what's the need, what's the desire, what is the hope of the version of you, the versionof your partner.The life you could have, the identity.Those are far more likely to open up a true and meaningful conversation about the pastgoing forward.So that's one thing I would say.Going back to my example where I was realizing my husband didn't really need or want toprogress our non-monogamy conversations just because he was swamped with work.And this just wasn't as much of a felt need for him as it was for me in that moment.And I guess this is something that I've carried shame about, not a lot, but some, becauseI very often get asked the question, did you always both have the same interest?I think that's actually what the guy asked me in the DMs.Did you always have the same level of interest?And the true answer is no, we did not.We did not.And I remember when I was kind of overcoming shame that might be connected to this question,I would give the example of, well, did you and your partner want to the same degree tomove to the neighborhood that you live in?Or did you fully 100% agree to getting the dog?Or like, are you 100% on the same page as to choosing the name for your kids?Like, are we ever 100% on the same page?Like, are we ever 100% on the same page as to choosing the name for your kids?Like, are we ever 100% on the same page as to choosing the name for your kids?100% the samealigned in choosing thingsno we're notand that's normal because we are differentpeopleso no there was not the samelevel of enthusiasmdesireand I mean since then I've delved intohuman design, astrologyso many systems that explainwhy I wanted this more than he didbut it doesn't change the fact that we had the conversationand most importantlythis is the main part that I wanted to share in this podcastI found the missing pieceso the missing piecein the conversationfor meand as I, I meanlike I said I don't know this guy a lotbut I'm assuming that the missing piece for him is the sameand that istaking ownershipof the life that you desireand for methat looked likethe moment when I realizedmy husband wasn't going to movethis forwardand that wasI think pretty muchthe strongest wake up callinto my sovereigntythat I've gotten my entire lifethat was the strongestmoment where Isawthat nobody elsewas creating my happiness for meand that I needed to do itby myselfnow other peoplemight have hadmassive bigger moments of sovereigntyin their own livesrealizing that they need to stand up for themselvesthey need to walk intothe life that they want to createand even fight for itand that was my momentandthat did require mebecoming humbleand facing some shameand admitting to myself that I really wantedto continue theexplorationinto non-monogamyand actually taking the stepof being openand I needed tocommunicate that to my partnerand if I hadn'tmade that discoveryif I would have continuedplacing the blameor waitingthat could have looked likewhy aren't we never going to talk about this againorwhy don't you want tomove this forwardyou knowany of thesebecause all of thosethought patternslike all the thoughts that you havethat are along these linesor maybe even saying likeyou probably don't even want thisthat could be another form of itall of those are stillputting the responsibilityon the other personand I will saymostI think most people don'tthey're not awarethat they're doing itthey're not consciously thinkinglet me place all my happiness responsibilityon my partnernonobody thinks thatthey just suckin their mindsthinkingoh he doesn't want to dothe thing that makes me happyor he doesn't care about meoryou knowI never get to have any funyou knowit's likeit's a poor me narrativelike oh no nosothe key missing piecewhen there's something that you wantto experience with your partneror experience in your lifeis that you don't want to have any funand you notice that you are waitingfor othersto step upto invite youto propose thingsto propose to youyou knowto initiate conversationsaction planswhenever you noticethat you are waiting for somethingeven dreadingthings not changingor dreading things happeningthat's a sign for youto step into your sovereigntyand to own your lifeown your desiresand then you noticethat you don't want to have any funand you noticethat you don't want to have any funand you noticeAnd the thing about desires, and this is going to be helpful for a lot of people,the thing about desires is that you don't choose them.You don't choose wanting to love more than one person.You don't choose wanting to love a person of the same gender.Like, you don't choose these things.You don't choose to be an artist.You don't choose to be a lawyer or whatever it is that is the most highest calling for you,the thing that, like, really lights you up.You don't choose those things.That's why we have the pride parade.It's people proudly owning something that they didn't choose.That's the courage that's required, to confidently own something you didn't choose.Because I'm sure as hell, if I could have chosen to not want this,I probably would have chosen.If I could have chosen that, that would have been so much easier.Wow.That would have been so much easier.So, have I answered the question properly?Yeah.I guess one thing that I wanted to add is that once I've shared this with somebody,well, I shared briefly, like, the need to share vulnerably,to initiate a deeper conversation.To be more honest.And the response I got back, and the response that I often get backwhen I answer advices like this, is,Yeah, great thoughts.I'm going to think about that.Thank you so much.And my guess is that this person is going to think about it for a long timeand then not do anything about it.So, I remember when I was sitting with my own sovereign momentbefore I was a little girl, and I was like,I remember truly, honestly asking my husband to open our marriagewas to really sit with, if I never get this,if I never in my life get to experience this,will I be content with my life?Will I be satisfied with my life?And for me, the answer was a very clear no.And so, it is so easy to brush these things aside.Right?And I hear from plenty of people who have been waiting for many yearsand are still just waiting for things to happen.And the courage of truly knowing the depth of your desire,truly getting to know how much you want something,and then courageously advocating for that,that has tremendous power.And I think what sadly happens way too oftenis that people, I don't know if they're unable to do it,or they just, it's very hard to grasp the strength of that desireif it hasn't been tested.And so, hearing from people saying,yeah, I'm going to think about it,what I picture is a likely scenario to play outis that they are going to push it asidebecause it's uncomfortable.It's uncomfortable to face the vulnerable conversation,the shame.It's uncomfortable.They want to push it aside.And then, at some point,there's going to be an opportunitywhere they will get a tasteof what they truly want.And for some people,that might look like a drunken holiday partywhere one of the co-workers that you like a little bit too muchis just going to suggest something a little bit too inappropriateand it's going to be too hard to say nobecause at the back of your head,you're thinking,well, I've been waiting all this timefor my wife to do this thing.Nothing's changing.Nothing's probably ever going to change.Again, you're stuck in your ego there.Your mind is taking over.And then, because this need,this desire has been so starved for so long,another part of you feels justifiedin taking that inappropriate action.Now, I mean, this is the worst case scenario.This is how affairs start.But I'm saying thatif you don't fully acknowledgeand admit to yourselfthat you have this desire in youthat's not being met,you are riskingthat desire to come out sidewayswhen the right timeand the right opportunity presents itself.So, really sit with the question,like, am I okay if I never get this?Am I okay to wait 10 yearsto get a taste of this?How long am I willingto wait?And just try to, like,draw up the scenario.If an opportunity presented itselfat a bachelorette partyor, you know,somewhere abroadwhere nobody knows youand you could do whatever you want,would you do it?Would you act on those hiddensexual desires that have been repressedand you have given up hopeon getting?This is the scenario that I wantto prevent.Like, I am here to preventthis shitty, messy situationbecause it can't be undone,it can't be taken backand there are options.So,to bring all of this back together,what to do if your partnerdoesn't want to move forward with this?Well, I answer most of thisin my mini-course,Let's Talk About It,where I dive deep intohow you can get that deep clarityon what you wantand what you need to communicateto your partnerthen to deal with the emotionsthat may pursue as a resultand then finallya very beautifully crafteddate night discussion listwhere I help you havethe right conversationtouching the right topicsso that you know what to talk aboutso you're not lost for wordsyou're not drowninginall of the possiblemind scenariosthat your ego has taken you tobut you have an outlineto followto have a really honestvulnerable, beautiful conversationthat feels true to youbecauseyour sovereigntyis the most important partis that you feel likeyou are living your life.That's the whole point.Not abandoning your truthto savethe image of the relationshipor to saveyour partner's feelingslike that is not your responsibility.Your ultimate responsibilityis to live a lifethat's true to youand to notsit on a deathbedregrettingthat you were living a lifetrue to someone else.Thank you so much for listening.I hope this helped.I hope this movedyour heartto more opennessand curiosityand I hope this gave youmore couragesofrom this epically beautifulsummer nightin Íslandthank you so muchfor listening.If this episodemoved something in youI would love to hear it.Send me a messageon Instagramat risewithorhilduror follow any of the linksin the show notesto explore other wayswe could rise together.Until next timekeep choosing truthpowerand your ownradical self.,and I'll see youin the next episode.Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!Bye!
