Hi and welcome to Radical Self, the podcast where we strip away the illusions that keep you performing, pleasing and playing small, so you can reclaim the power that's always been yours.I'm your host Thorildur, a tantric somatic coach, truth teller and a mirror for your most authentic expansion.Here we go deep, we get honest and we meet the parts of you that are dying to come alive.Okay, I was so going to post this on Instagram, but because I have a thread of discipline, it is now blocked and I cannot open it.So, I'm going to record it here and if this finds you, be blessed.So, I'm about to go to bed and I have two confessions to make before I tell you the thing that I'm actually going to tell you, which is a super funny experience.Um, super funny, what is it, funny? No, it's not actually the funny, but I'm excited to have made this discovery and I'm excited to share it with you.So, confession number one, it is midnight, the sun is shining outside, it's kind of cloudy actually, but it's like brightest day in Iceland and it's been fucking up my sleep.And I've been laughing about it and like having fun with it, kind of trying to be chill about it.So, that's the reason why I'm staying awake.And I'm trying to get myself on a better sleep schedule, but there's a strong resistance within me that does not want me to go to sleep early.I don't know why, but my husband's away and I'm at home and I know that when he's away, I'm on my phone a lot more.And I don't want to pretend that I'm this superhuman who like has all my shit together.All the time and all my ducks in a row and I follow all the best protocols at all times.I don't, I'm a human.Like, I was up here packing for my kids that are going on like soccer trips, family trips tomorrow.And this evening was busy.And, yeah, my mind's active and brainstorming fun ideas to talk about in my podcast with my audience, you know, things like that, really lights me up.Like, that's my escape.I don't really, well, I mean, of course, I scroll, but it's not, like, I don't play games on my phone.Like, I don't have a lot of addictive behavior except work because it lights me up so much.And that's where this idea came from that I'm going to share with you after my next confession.Okay, the other confession was, hold on, shit, I forgot what it was.What was the other confession?I swear I had two.Okay, well, let's leave the other one then.So, the fun idea I wanted to share with you, this came from the podcast I was recording yesterday.It was a guy talking about wanting to postpone getting serious in his conversation with his wife about his desire to continue them seeing other people for sexual fun.So, they are swingers, or they have been, like, trying out the swinger scene.Going together.Two parties and clubs and stuff like that.And she is kind of over it and he is contemplating how he can move forward and honor his desires.And I've had multiple, multiple conversations on a similar line over the years that I've had this platform.So, this is not the first time I hear this story.And the thread that I see that is very common with people that, you know, pop up in my DMs,and then disappear, as in they don't become my clients that I then coach,and then they live the life that they feel super fulfilled living.The thread that is common in people that come, get some advice, get some little bit of venting,and then leave, is that they think they can just postpone their desire.They can press it down.They've probably suppressed it a bunch of times before and they're fine to continue doing it.Or to do it again.Crossing their face.Fingers hoping for the best that it won't return.Hey babe, if you want to stop fantasizing about non-monogamy and finally start living itwith full safety, respect and clarity, I would love to invite you to my upcoming course,Life Beyond Monogamy.You will learn the step-by-step of how to navigate the challenges in daily life of loving openlyfrom someone, me, who has been happily polyamorous with her monogamy.I've been a part of my husband for over eight years now.In that time, we have been through several additional romantic relationships, lovers,breakups, breakthroughs, and we've always found a way back to ourself and each other.If you sign up for the waitlist now, you will benefit from early access bonuses,as well as the founder's rate, which is the lowest price this course will ever be.You will find the link in the show notes, and if you have any questions,just send me a message on Instagram and I would love to hear from you.The funny idea that I got was like, because the truth is, we don't choose our desires.You listening to me talking right now, whatever it is that you want and like in your life,you did not choose that.Maybe you have some acquired taste, like some people like oysters,some people like kimchi.And like weird tasting foods.Some people like bungee jumping or, you know, running ultramarathons.Some people have an acquired taste for things.So, of course, there's flexibility in this, but at its core, you do not choose your desires.And what I thought was funny was thinking about, what if we actually could choose our desires?Like, how would life be?Like, imagine going about your life,do I want to choose, do I want to want this, or not?Hmm.Do I want to become a kinky, submissive bunny, or not?Hmm.If I could choose, is that something I want to have light me up, or not?Do I want to become an ultra vanilla bean, wanting everything to be super stereo, stereotypical,in the box, mainstream?Not ruffling any feathers?Is that the choice that I want to make?Hmm.So, that's the funny idea that I had.And I just want you to play around with this idea of,what would it be like if you could actually choose your desires?What would you choose?I know, I mean, some people would choose to be more queer.I heard from men and women who were like,I wish, I wish I was more bisexual.I wish I was.These are usually people in the tantra scene.And then of course you have, you know, millennia of people wanting to not be gay.Or wanting to not want the things that they want.People wanting to want to become lawyers or doctors.People not wanting to be artists.Not wanting to want to be an artist, you know?And I think it's a fun thought experiment.And so because this guy that I was talking to,I was kind of sharing with him,like, ultimately you don't choose what you want.And trying to pretend you don't want it,or trying to cross your fingers and hope that this will disappearwithout you needing to change your life,is kind of like,a blue-eyed personwishing that they just magically had brown eyes.And that they didn't have to live with their blue eyes.I mean, it isthe same.From my standpoint.When it comes to these things.Same as accepting,you know, how tall you are.I was going to say disease,but then I thought, well,there's also a bunch of evidence thathow we think changes our diseaseand like, how we're healthy.So I didn't want to take it there.But what you want,you just want it.That's it.And of course we could go into thatsome fantasies are betterserved as fantasiesand not lived out in real life.And sometimesjust the fact that you cannot sleep with a personmakes you want to sleep with them even more.I have so many examples of this in my life.Oh my gosh.So many.I can think of four peoplejust right nowin my life.And what I've come to acceptafterallowing myself to sleep witha bunch of peoplethat I was,you know, after having played this game.You know, after having taken people fromthis is forbiddenthan negotiating withyou know, realityor the person oryou know, circumstances to make it a little bit moreallowable.I've just come to realizethat more oftenthan notit's not worth it.I wouldn't say all the time but likeoften, often it's not worth it.Andand yeahso some thingsyou just want them.And for me I've personally becomea lot more chill about the thingsthat I want.And I've also become a lot moreintentional about some of them.So some of them I've worked really hardto make them come true.And I haveexperiencedthe thrill of themgiving me a lot.So I've felt so muchbetter afterI've allowed them to come into my life.These are relationshipsthese are experienceswith people, my friendsmy loversyou know, sexual fantasies I've livedout.AndI'm so grateful that I did.I'm so gratefulfor the weird things that I wantedthat I was braveenough to followand stand byand the determinationthat I used to make thema reality.And honestlytoday when I think aboutall the desires that I cannot chooseoh what a blessingI don't have to think about that.I just want what I wantmy body will tell memy pussy will tell memy heart will tell meI will feel it when I want itand that's it.And oftenI can follow that clueand it's super rewardingand juicy and funand I'll learn something about myselfI'll make great memoriesI'll connect more with other peopleI can humble myselfmaybe I'm walking into a trigger zoneand that's finethen I'll learn from the triggerand I become a new personas I do itand it's funand I don't have to overthink itI don't have to overengineer my desiresthey just come to methey just happenSo this was the episodethat I was not supposed to recordbecause I'm supposed to go to sleepso I'm going to leave it at hereand I would loveto hear from youwhat this showthis short little talk gave to youI would love to hearwhat desires you would choose to haveWhat would you choose to want?I think this is a super funny ideaAnywayI loved recording itI hope you loved listening to itand I'm super grateful that you didand I hopewe get to meet you somedayI hope we get to have a juicy conversationI'm realizingmy desire to builda huge communityof people having epicbrave conversationsabout lovingin a new wayabout loving authenticallycourageously according to your heartallowing your life to beinfused with erotic delightand funshamelessly owning who you areI am dreamingof that version of my lifewhereI have a thriving communityof peoplewho are brave enough to show upto have super juicyexciting conversationsand I hope you will be one of themsolet me know how this whole episodelands for youI'm so excited to hear from youNow I'm off to bedGood nightIf this episode moved something in youI would love to hear itSend me a message on Instagramat risewiththorhilduror follow any of the links in the show notesto explore other ways we could rise togetherUntil next time, keep choosing truthand your own radical self
