Hi and welcome to Radical Self, the podcast where we strip away the illusions that keepyou performing, pleasing and playing small, so you can reclaim the power that's alwaysbeen yours.I'm your host Thorildur, a tantric somatic coach, truth teller and a mirror for yourmost authentic expansion.Here we go deep, we get honest and we meet the parts of you that are dying to come alive.Alright guys, let's dive into the main myths about non-monogamy.So, I'm just going to go straight in.The first one is, it's all about sex.For, I don't know how many times I've heard people say like, I just don't need that muchsex, I'm not that sexual.And, this is probably also what I would have thought, I probably wouldn't have thoughtthat I would have wanted non-monogamy because I didn't feel like I needed more sex.But the truth is that for a lot of people who are non-monogamous, sex is like one ofthe things that is there, but mainly, and this is most of my clients, mainly peoplewant to feel authentic, they want to feel free, they want to feel a sense of alivenessand they want to be able to connect with people without needing to censor themselves.So, it's about a lot of other things than sex.It's about intimacy, connection, exploring other sides of you and your personality.Because the thing is, a person that you are in a relationship with, or like anybody youknow, they reflect to you a version of you that you can be.And, when you've been in a long partnership with one person, of course you can continueexploring different sides of you, but there are going to be things that you are just nota match for, like you're never going to find, this is my belief, you're never goingto find a person who will be the best fit to explore all sides of you.It may be a great match as a life partner, as a lover, as a co-parent, all of the coreingredients that you want in a fantastic life partner, in a romantic lover, could be metand still, the person's not going to share all your interests and all your quirks andit's just not going to bring out all sides of you and that's okay, that's very normal.So, being able to be polyamorous or non-monogamous and being able to explore your sexual sidesand your multiple different sides that are not sexual, will also help you develop yourown personality.So, that being said, the sex is very important.The fact that it is an agreement where there can be the freedom to explore sexually isa very important part, but that's not the core part of it.Alright, next myth.This is only for people who have committal issues, unhealed childhood trauma and I thinkthis one is actually the most prevalent or the one who is causing the most hesitationin more spiritual or more kind of people who want to mature.I think this is the one that stops most people from being open to exploring and I justrecently saw a post on Instagram that I'm about to create a whole content piece aboutwhich said basically, this is a way to run away from intimacy and facing issues thatare happening in relationships and that's just so not true.Of course, it can be.You can totally use polyamory, being open, going with the flow, quote unquote, as a phrasethat you use.While dating to make sure you don't have to go deeper, people certainly do that, butthat is not the entirety and I've actually found that for myself and many people thatI know that being open and honest about your authentic desire to explore connection, sex,intimacy with multiple people really brings in a lot more vulnerability and which alsois the fertile ground.for connection and intimacy and being able to be more authentic and to connect deeperfor many people makes it more safe for them to commit because we know that one of thebiggest drivers of divorce or separation in monogamous relationships is infidelity.It's people who are not feeling safe to show and to ask for the things that they trulywant, which are often sexual.And therefore, they end up cheating or end up leaving the relationship or not committingdeeply enough because they feel like they can't be fully themselves.And so from that lens, being non-monogamous lends itself to you being able to commit moredeeply because you are showing all of you.You are being transparent about the ways that you are learning about yourself and that you'rewanting to explore.So that was myth number two.That is only for people who have unhealed trauma.Or that can't commit.Number three.Exploring non-monogamy is going to end the relationship or lead to divorce.I don't know how many times we heard about people guessing that we were going to be divorcingsoon.Asking if we divorced already.They didn't ask us directly.They asked our friends.So this is a very common myth.And I will also tell you, I have coached people who have wanted to open and it did lead toseparation.So I'm not saying it never happens.But in those cases, it is usually because it brings to the surface deeper layers of incompatibility,of lack of communication skills, lack of willingness to grow in the relationship, and the factthat one person brings up their desire and their self-worth and their commitment to theirown happiness in their life.And the desire to explore non-monogamy is the tipping point to bringing shit to thesurface, which ended up leading to separation.So of course it does happen.It doesn't mean that every couple who is going to start exploring together is naturallygoing to end in a separation.And I will also add here a side note.Even though I talk a lot about couples who are opening up, because that's a lot of theclients that I see.That was my own experience.I very much encourage you.If you're single, take the time to explore this.Choosing to be non-monogamous is not something that you have to do in a relationship.I would actually encourage it very separately.And that's what I tell my clients and people that I talk to.You have to come to this conclusion from an individual perspective.So this does not only apply to couples.Please, if you're single listening to this, take the time to come to your own conclusionbefore you start dating.A horrible myth that I sometimes hear is like, I need to be dating or I need to bemore established in my relationship before I can make this decision.No, you do not.So that's a side note, a little myth on this one.Yeah, so coming back to the myth that exploring non-monogamy is going to lead to a divorceor end of the relationship, it is a big rupture to be talking about this big structural change.And change is very destabilizing often to people, especially for people who have notgone through big life changes.So the people who are going to struggle with this the most are people who have not neededto grow through difficult times, especially couples who haven't needed to grow throughdifficult things together.I know this might sound crazy, but there's this thing called post-traumatic growth wherethe research shows that people who've been through shit, been through hard times,loss, betrayal, all kinds of traumatic events in their lives and grown through it, theyare happier overall.And it is actually through growing through hardships that relationships get strongerand you can't really build trust unless there is a reason to trust.So that was a little side note.So yes, it can be very destabilizing.But it can also be.It can be a tremendous breakthrough and an opportunity to bring a lot of stuff to thesurface and to give you food for thought and things to talk about.Hey babe, if you want to stop fantasizing about non-monogamy and finally start livingit with full safety, respect and clarity, I would love to invite you to my upcomingcourse, Life Beyond Monogamy.You will learn this step by step.How to navigate the challenges in daily life of loving openly from someone, me, who hasbeen happily polyamorous with my husband for over eight years now.In that time, we have been through several additional romantic relationships, lovers,breakups, breakthroughs, and we've always found a way back to ourself and each other.If you sign up for the waitlist now, you will benefit from early access bonuses as wellas the founder's rate, which is the lowest price.This course will ever be.You will find the link in the show notes.And if you have any questions, just send me a message on Instagram and I would love tohear from you.So, fourth myth, that non-monogamy means you love people less.Like, if you are ready to be in a relationship with multiple people, that just means youdon't really love them.And there is this tragic truth.I would say that love is infinite, but time is not.And anybody who is a parent of more than one child will know that it seems unfathomablewhen you have a child, that you could love another child as much, but then that secondchild is there and you just can't imagine life without them and your heart just doublesin size.It's amazing.It's amazing.And, I mean, I think this is the best way to describe how...You can love more than one person, but you don't have infinite time.So, the fact that you or the fact that people can be in multiple relationships doesn't meanthat they love them less.And if you are listening to this and this seems like a very just improbable positionto be in, that maybe means that you don't want to be non-monogamous.That you really want to be in monogamy and you only want to pour your love into oneperson and that's fine.But for monogamous people or like the monogamous norm majority to believe that if you're engagingwith more than one person that you don't love them, that's the myth because it's nottrue.And I have felt multiple times when I've fallen in love with a new person that I feel myheart grow.I feel my heart grow in the same way that I felt my heart grow.I felt my heart grow when I got my second son.And so, yeah, you can really love a lot of people in the same way you can have many bestfriends.You can have many close friends.And if one of them would move to a totally different country, you wouldn't just feelenough with the friends that you already have.Like, no, that unique friend that you had that moved away will leave a gap.I mean, of course, you can call the person, but like, nobody is indispensable as theirown unique friend.It's just a human that they are.But we don't have infinite time.So that is, that's where, yeah, that's where we actually have a true, but that's a differentstory.Okay.The fifth myth.This is just a phase or this is inherently an unstable way to live.And in this post that I saw recently that I'm going to be sharing about soon, this guyis talking about, it's actually a prominent guy in the relationship, like wisdom,coach, industry.And he's talking about how he explored polyamory when most people do in their 20s, which isnot really true.Like, I did not come into polyamory until my late 20s, close to 30s.And he's kind of hinting at the assumption that it's just a phase, that's just an immatureor very unstable thing to experience.Kind of like people would say about bisexuality or your, you know, your orientation.Or your gender even today.And the truth is, no, you can actually have this long term in a stable way.I know of people who have, like, they've been with their, like, life partner for 20 years.Then they have had another partner for 15 years.Then they have a new lover for the last three years.Like, this can really be a long term, stable lifestyle choice that will last you throughthe life.Okay.So, a lot of people that practice consensual non-monogamy that have gone through thatphase of, you know, yeah, there are totally bumps on the road in the beginning.There's, like, mistakes that are going to be made.Like, it does take time to kind of move into this way of living.But once you are through that initial phase, and you really feel like you have found yourplace in life, and this is, like, making you more happy, you feel more fulfilled, you canreally stay there.And you can really enjoy it.And, yeah, it can really be a long term thing.What I see, and maybe that's the reason why people believe that this is just a phase orthat this is really unstable, is most people don't get any help with this.So, because it does bring up a lot, it does bring up unhealed, you know, attachment wounds,it is destabilizing your identity.There's a lot that happens when a person chooses to be non-monogamous.For some people, it's easier than others.It's a lot.But if you don't get any support with going through this lifestyle change that is deeply,like, yeah, I would say it's deeply jolting, like, you're shifting so much, and I thinkpeople underestimate how much you're shifting when you do this.And the fact that this is a very, still a very taboo subject, and not a lot of peoplehave role models or have, or any, like, know anybody who is living this way.It makes it very hard to survive, like, to, to really be able to have the stamina to gothrough the, all the changes.And that's why I love supporting people with this.Like, I could not have done this alone myself.So I got support when I was going through this.And I love supporting people through this now.So usually when I hear about stories where this doesn't go really well, and it's ugly,and it's very unstable, and people don't manage to go through the calm sea afterwards.It's usually because they don't have any support.And yeah, that is very unstable.When you're going through a massive change, you don't have any support, it's just verytaxing.So that's why I'm so happy to be bringing out a course, and I'm here to coach you, andI'm here to help if you are about to navigate or are in the middle of this journey.So I'm telling you, this is not something that is just a phase or is inherently unstable.You just need the right environment, and the right people around you, and the right, rightresources and tools to manage.Okay, six myths.So these are seven overall.Number six, if my partner wants this, something is missing in our relationship.So this is, I would say, yes and no.No in the sense that this doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that youare not enough as a person.If your partner is truly a person who identifies with non-monogamy, like is at the core a non-monogamy,non-monogamous person, and would thrive in that situation, then yes, there's structurallysomething missing in the relationship.But it has nothing to do with you as a person.Like I said before, no one person can fully meet all the needs, desires, and life-fulfillingarenas and areas of growth for one person, and the fact that your partner wants this,or that you are the one who wants this, and your partner feels like there's somethingwrong with them, that's not what it means.But for any person who is at the core a non-monogamous person, then yeah, then it doesn't make sensefor them to be in a monogamous relationship, and they shouldn't be long term.They should be able to, they should for themselves, choose to be in the right relationship structurefor them.So the more that people can choose based on their relationship structure, the more theycan choose based on curiosity, option, and sovereignty, the better.And what I would really love for everyone is to not feel like they only have one choice.That the only reason why they're monogamous is because that's the norm, and that's theonly option that they know.And so the fact that they want something else doesn't mean there's something wrong withthem.It is simply, that's the norm.And that's what I would really say.All of this is that throughout all of these myths, mononormativity is the water thatall of these myths are swimming in.Like mononormativity is this idea, or a belief, or it's like an invisible belief, that monogamyis the right way, that it's the only right, morally way to live.And so it sets monogamy as the default, and so all other options feel like they have toexplain themselves.So you have to really...Like they are abnormal, and it can feel like they're pathologizing the different ways,instead of seeing them as simply other options.Anyway, back to the myths.So number seven, it means that there are no rules, and that just anything can happen.So when people say this, it's like, oh my gosh, how could you live that way?Like there's just no, like there's no safety.It's like anything can happen, there's no rules or structure.And although I've heard stories from people who have practiced it in this way, it usuallydoes not work out long term.So having freedom without a sense of structure is very chaotic, and it is usually not whatserves people well in the long term, because we are attachment beings, like we are socialcreatures.We need to have healthy attachment relationships.And...Four.We need to have relationships to be a good place for healthy attachment.We need to have commitments, and we need to have, you know, rituals.We need to have a relationship culture where I can rely on you, and I know what is expectedof me.I know what I can expect of you.And so the truth is that functional non-monogamous relationships, they typically involve a lotmore explicit negotiation than monogamous relationships.Because...We are not simply taking things for granted, like many monogamous relationships do.We just assume that you're going to be home on Friday night.We just assume that you're going to be there for all these different things.So with non-monogamy, you can't really assume that anymore.For most people, that shifts.And it's a process called decoupling, where you kind of, you know, you lift the stonesor you unearth these assumptions that have been made, and you consciously look at themand choose which ones really feel good to you.And so for non-monogamy to really flourish with people, yeah, you need to define whatfeels good to you.What...I don't really like to use the word rules, because in my experience, that hasn't reallyworked out well, but that's a different topic.But yeah, you really need to feel into what feels good to you, and what you are willingto commit to, and what you want to be able to rely on your partners for, and have a conversationabout it.And that's really what works well.Yeah.And that's one of the things that I go into in my new course.So this was a quick run-through of the seven most common myths that I see that cause peopleto not want to go into and explore, and that cuts them off from their curiosity, basically,which is the thing that I really don't want people to do.And so that gap between what people think non-monogamy is, and what it actually is, is that it'sthe gap that I'm closing in my new course, Life Beyond Monogamy.And so if you're listening to this quickly after it's released, you can probably signup to the waitlist and get the early, super early bird price in the show notes.If not, you can find all the info about the course, and how to sign up and get all ofthese resources if you now feel more excited and ready to explore.And let me know.What of these myths did you believe?What was new to you in this?I would love to hear from you.You can find the link to my Instagram in the show notes.You can send me a message there.And is there something that I didn't mention?Is there something that you believe that you're now wondering, is this true?Now that I've heard all of these myths busted, is this still true?So I would love to hear from you.Thank you so much for listening, and I will catch you in the next one.If this episode moved something in you, I would love to hear it.Send me a message on Instagram at risewiththorhildur or follow any of the links in the show notesto explore other ways we could rise together.Until next time, keep choosing truth, power, and your own radical self.
