Það eru við mættÉg rúgst ekki að gluða að sjá þigJá, sem ég leiðisVið erum alltaf komin í podcastuðinaí bóði Hafsins fiskvæslinÞað eru djúlar bara fiskÞað eru endarÉg gluða að hérna þaðÞað er ekki mjög margir djúlar bara fisk sem komum til mínJá, ég elska fiskÞá ætlum ég bara að spyrja þig, hver er maðurinn?Ég erSvo vist, er ekki bara sagan mínNei, ég tjókPartur af því að það er saga mínog partur af því að hvað ég erþá er ég smitt eðliÉg heitir TómasÉg er fæturupalun í bandarögunumFluttið í Íslandsfyrir 20 árummeð pappa og hann varhalvur íslenskurÞannig að hann var ástandsbarnÁstandsbarnÞetta er gammalÉg er verið 38Það vart að vera 38Það vart að verið 38Það vart að verið 38Það vart að verið 38Það vart að verið 38Já, í oktober skoÞannig að ég er verið22 árumJá, 22 árumÞað sé alltaf 20 árum, maður er að gleymaÞað er eldastÞað hefur íst, það geristí verðstu bæumÞað hefðist gleyma meira það sem er eldastSmá dimensi í ganginaMá maður vonaÞað er svolítið skoEn hvernig, ef við byrjum baraá uppheldinu og æskunniðinniÓtt stóraað söguJá, mikla söguÞað er það skoÉg er sem sagt fæturhérnaSko, mamma og pappivoruþau sé mikiðlega neysluokog þetta er amfættum í neyslaþetta er svona frekka hartog hérnaog líka, þau sést, andlega vart aðþað var mikið ilskaþau sést, það er eins og fólkdurinnað það er kannsefnar skoí álunni ogog sér svonavið með ein mynd af pappaþegar hannhann er bak við migsem lítið krakki skoog auðvitað hann sér, þú veistbæði fólkdur voru með geðsjukdóma líkaokÞannig það var amfættum í neyslaog hérnaog geðsjukdómaog þeir með sína eigin hérnaáfallega bakpoki skojáog hérnaso yeah, I was you know bornI had twoI had a brother and a sisteron my mother's sideand a umég minna alveg að skipta á íverenskuíslensku sjóog hennwell basically the first six yearswere you knowa lot of violencephysical violence for my motherand mental violence you knowI think she was especiallyshe was really, she had a bad tongueshe was very likevery good, og hljóttog já, and also just hitting a centerin you that just broke you you know likeshe had this witchcraft about heryou know what I mean likeshe would say something that would leave a markon your soul andeven if it didn't make sensebecause it would just be crazy paranoia all put togetherbut it would just be this attack that justbroke you and you couldn't say anythingmannstallu eftir því bara þegarþað varst bara mjög lítill strákurjá, mann eftir öllufrá þryggjar og skoog þá var hann strax byrja að byrja að byrja það ofilljá, bara as a small childas an infant, one year oldfrom the beginningmy dad said that she was using amphetaminewhen she was pregnant with meand he said that she admitted to at leastthree timesbut then again my mother and father lie about each otherall the time so I don't knowbut I do know that the party startedwhen I was bornand that's when everything spiraled out of controlamphetamine, pillurþað varstthey were both working in a bankthere was likeembezzlement chargesand likedad sellingselling amphetamine for the hells angelson his bikeand it was just likehe wasn't in the hells angelsbut it was still just this weirdlike earlylate 80s, early 90sin Californiaandthere was neverþað hljóma smá svonabíómyndayeahyeahit's been a movieþað var alveg hægt að gera bíómyndumeð þið skoum lífiðI mean the firstthe first memory I have is likestanding up in a cribandthere was likeI looked at the doorand the door was closedbut there was clearly something going on out therelike fighting or somethingand I remember I justI turned aroundand there was a picture of Peter RabbitI remember I was just looking at all the detailsall the detailsall the detailsyou knowthe yellowthe yellow rammethere wasthere was hishis clothingthe pail that he hadyou knowall the detailsand thatthat's the first likeI guessdefenseorcoping strategyis justinformationjust know what's going on in your environmentand an infant has a lot of intelligenceyou knowweþað er ekki mikilvæguren það er snærðirokandyou knowan infant hasan infant hasyou knowa lot of intelligenceand awarenessand it'svið segjum að barabörnir um miklumeðvitarumheimilneyumkvæmsi tælturen við gefum henni kredið fyrir skoyeah for sureandI think thatlikegrowing upI think my dad leftlike two or three years oldrightand the thing isis thatlike I getI was able to piece togethermy past laterat eleven years oldwith my older sisterand my older sister wasyou knowthere for meand thank god for thatyou knowand umI think I was always with herbut when it got really badboth my brother and sister leftyou knowso they could gothey could go to their parentsor they could go to their fathersokand when mom was likein frálkvörðskirðurin violent frálkvörðthen I would be left aloneso the abandonment was reallycompleteand to describehow complete the abandonment waslikethere's a good story that I sayit's likewe were going to thisumclothing storeI guess I was like four years oldandI hid inside the clothes racklike in the circular clothes racklike in the middleyepnobody could see meandI was hoping my mother would forget meohokand the only reasonI came outwas because she called my nameand I was terrified of herohso I mean I guess they call itdisorganizedyou knowattachmentstyleand something that isyou knowa terrible experience laterto have to unwrapbutor to unpackbut umumbut yeahthere wasphysical violenceand there was emotional violencebecause I think thatmy mother was afraid of meand what I mean by that isI had an older brotherwho was ten years older than meumand he actually attacked herwith a machetehe was going to try to kill herwith a macheteyeahmy dad was there tooand umthat's before he ran awayand started doing crystal meth himselflike thirteen years oldbut umbut all of a suddenyeahhe told me the story about ithe's likehe's like it just startedyou knowmom was giving you a bathand then it just ended upin the same thrashingyou know what I'm sayingjust smashing meagainst the porcelainand you knowhe was yelling at meyou knowso that's when he freaked outand laughedand you knowI don't blame himbut I suspectthat he sexually abused meand my sisterhe sexually abused my sisterbut I'mI'mI think hepossibly sexually abused methe first six yearsI was sexually abused bythree differentyou knowindividualsandumyeahblocked outthethe one that wasyou knowit wasthere wasI was just at thisolder man's houseyou knowa lotand he had this video gamethat I likedand my sister was likewhy is he always thereyou knowmy mom was liketweaked outyou knowand umthere's somequestionable thingsaround thatyou know what I meanthings that I blocked outandfor good reasonI meanI don't necessarily thinkyou have to remember everythingyou know what I meanandthat's probably a good thingyou knowyou'll work it outanyway laterbutthere was never any foodyou knowevery time I would open the fridgeall the fridgeswere completely cleanyou knowwherever we werebecause there was justnever any food in themokoh my godmaybemaybe butterlike a thing of butteron the top shelfand thenif we had breadthat was what I lived off ofbread and butterso I would go to this familythat I knew that wasyou knowone of the neighborsand they were a Christian familyI thought it was strangethat theyprayed before dinnerand they also had dessertokso I thought that that waslikeincredibly fascinatingyeahlikedessertbut umþað var skriðið að fólk var með mat barayeahand they were just a regular familyyou knowit was always so surrealbecausemy reality didn't seem reallike I was always hidingthe house was always trashmom was crazy manlike she would just destroyeverything in the houseand she had thisandlega svonawitchcraft diamond maní líka skoþað var semsem eðalaði baraþað var sem andinandrumsloftiðlíkaþað var svo brutal diamondhennar æsku varógislega líka skomamma hennar var umunlefði hennarjáog hennarjáog hún var náttúrulegamisnóttu líkaá sjúfæður hennarog þú veistþannig það er alvegútskýringog afkvæðuvið fórðunumum úrog þú veistand today I have a lot ofempathy towards themand I've forgiven both of themyou know what I meanit'sit's taking a long timebutyou knowit'sit'sI found peace with ityou knowand the story is usefulfor what it's worthoh yeahbut the story itselfis not somethingthat I necessarilyhold on toas hard as I didbecauseif I focus onlyon the storyand the painI miss outon opportunitiesto healand to become wholeand thatyou knowother people along the wayfill in the gapsokmany womenthat have stepped inand not just romanticallybut older womenlike I saidthat have beenlike my motherthey justI have a fewíslandska mammir hennarjáokog það er baraþað er nóga þeim tiljáog það er eins og það er séþað er sjáþað er sjáþað er sjáþað er sjáþað er sjáþað er sjáþað er baraþað er tíndistrákuren skiljuþú veistyfirgefin og tíndistrákurogsem það er baramammurknúsen I've gotten ityou knowI've gotten it backalong the wayand that'sI think thatyou knoweverything that I've gone throughok life isn't fairbut the world is justyou knowit is trying toarietta sér afef maður er tilbúinað líta fram hjáþví sitt eigis ásökaog sögunasem er svohamlandi líkajáþú veistef maður er endalegaþess að spóla yfirþess að barajá þetta er sáriðþetta er vandumáliðég er gallarhvernig á ég að lagaþú veistok hvernig á ég að lagaþað er gottskiljuþú veistalltaf það ertu að faraí hináttunakannski að vera hetjaní þínu söguen ef ég er að reynaalltaf að vera hetjaní mínu söguég er líkaað staðfestaað ég upplifu migsem fornalaþú veistI was victimizedas a childyou knowbut thatthat doesn't meanI have to continueto choose of beinga victimlater in lifeneiekki út á hennu fullarineiI don't think soþað er það að takaápil á lífinu í hennuI think soyou knowI think that that's the mosthealthyapproachyou knowandhonestlyif I didn't have kidsI probably wouldn't be hereokyeahI've struggled withyou knowsuicideand lack of a longthere was no reasonto live reallylike whythere wasand if I look at my storyI think you knowlikemaybe people like meshouldn't have kidsokwell I've thought thatokbut the thing isis thatI have kidsand if I didn't have themI probably would havekilled myselfa long time agobecausethey gave me purposeand a reason to fightandandand overcomeyou knowthey are my greatestinspiration to continue livingþað er það að legaat the end of the dayI will not do that to thembecause I justand that's the thingwithit's likebeing with bipolarlike I have bipolarlike my father had itis that you knowthere's 20% mortality rate1 in 5 kill themselvescircaI don't know exactly the numbersbut it's like from 18 to 26you knowit's just like26%andthose are the numberslast time I checkedandI definitely understand whyohyou knowthe experience ofof selfclouded by the weatherthe storms of thisyou knowemotionalyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowyou knowlikemood disorderit's calledit's called a mood disorderyou knowandI think most peopleexperience mejust as a little dramaticsometimesyou knowbecause I regulate it wellbut I meanthat's somethingthat came along laterandyeahlike I saidthe first six yearswere justsexual abusephysical abusemental abuseby my motherand severe abandonmentor role in tanksI meanin realitylook at those first six yearsI shouldn't have a chancehonestlyhonestlyand the starvationnot being fedyou knownákvæmlegaog skoþetta er svo ótrúlegasvona krósjál áurupp á tenginguskoog eins og við spjalluðumum við náðunað byrjaðum að taka uppog þá spurði ég þighvort þú væriðgreindur með tengslaröskunjáég sæði líklegasthvað sæðiég trú ekki öðurtrú ekki öðurnú sérf með þaðjá jáen ekki greindur með þaðjáI don'tI don't want to wait in lineand do the paperworkto figure outwhat I'm pretty sure ofanywaynei neinákvæmlegamaður hefur verið í þéren að laga sjálfanskjöldlaga sjálfanskjöldskilurparaquote on quoteennot necessarilyfully depend on the systemto do sobecause the messagethat I get from the systemis like lookif you're gonna kill yourselfand you're thereor you need medicationwe're hererightotherwiseyou have to kind of likefigure it outjá jáyou knowand we have maybea few programs heremaybe a few re-educationendurhæringaryou knowre-education programsemiðbelieve in yourself a little bitget a little self-esteemand go back on the work marketand you knowjustmedicate yourselfemiðtake your medicationand taking my medicationis you knowin realityit'sthat's the first questionthat people askreallylike when I talk aboutbeing with bipolarit's likejá okég er það að lifjájá okokthat's ityou knowit's likeyou're goodand the thing isis likeexercise is my main medicinelikeif I'mif I stop trainingfor seven daysseven daysI'm always seven daysaway from an episodewhether I'm on medicationor noteven on medicationokI stop eatingI stop sleepingI start writingobsessingyou knowand then I start smoking cigarettesand I'm just likestaying up all nightand it'sit's ridiculouseven on medicationokþað fyrir mér áhugavertjámaybe I should beon more medicationto bebut the thing isI've tried Seroqueland I don't likekvittbyrnnæI feel likeit chemically calibrates meat zeroand I stopI stop likeI miss out on likenuancesand jokesand stufflike socialcuesyou knowI'm likehalf autisticthat's how I experience itokbecause I did everythingthey asked me to doyou know2016when I started to get my lifetogether againjustit's likeokI'll do everythingthe systemoffersokand I didI went throughEndur HæringurI went throughÁfungheimliI got my life togetherI built up a sportsyou knowdisciplineandGagreinduryou knowwith bipolarand started taking medicationandthen another kidcame into the equationand that was an endas soon as I stabilizedwith the bipolarthen it's likeoknext verkefniyou have to takeyou knowtakkast á viðáfalla sögunagegnum fjölskyndaðinaskilja við þvíþví að börnumanseru það sem er að íta undirað ég þarf að horfist í aujuvið staðareindurumsjálfur migsama hvað að þessu staðareindukomafóraldurum mínarskilja viðog æskunum mínaég er ekkertaðlegging þesség er ekki baraaðlegging æskunum mínarskilja viðég þarf að horfasvo staðareindurtil þess að geti gerteitthvað í þvíog þarna er ég að taka ábyrðog það sem meinummeð að taka ábyrðþað égég reynaað fá umbóðagencyskilja viðí við þessuþú veistað gefa svo einhverju farfiðog þannig að þetta erekkert eitthvað sem éger bara að bæla innog íta niðurpretend like it doesn't existand then maybe one dayall of a suddenoh he seemed pretty goodand he just killed himselfakkurathe seemed finehe seemedhe had everythingit's likeyeahmaybe a lot of guysare struggling with that todayyou knowthey just push it downyou knowand I understandthat we talk about likehöfum hátstrákarwell I can tell youI talk a lotabout my feelingsyou know what I meanand people around meknow thisand I talkand externalizemost of myinternal worldwith the people around meit hasn't helpedlet's just sayit hasn't stoppedthe feelingand the experienceof wanting to kill myselfrightit justit externalizes itand in thatin that isit helpsit does helpbut it doesn't fixthe internal problemlike I still want to dierightit just makes me awareof you knowmore of the factsand then I'm bringingother people into itand there's shameinvolved in thatbecause you don't wantto put your problemson other peoplebut then we havea bunch of peoplerunning aroundbeing there for each othereveryone's therefor each otherI want to be therefor each otherand it's like wellhow to receivehelp as wellhas been a bigyou knowverkefniandlike I saidyou knowthose first six yearswere that wayand thenhættu við eftir þaðthen I moved to myI was taken awayfrom my motherput in theI was going to be putin the foster care systemI went to likethis quote unquoteorphanageyou knowit's like a group homethey call itand they were verylenient towards melike II thoughtI didn't likeI didn't have to followall the rulesyou know what I meanI think they tooka lot of pity on meyou knowandI was shownspecial treatmentandit was very sadmy uncle told me thathe said it was really sadyou know to see itandlike I saidI had a head full of licemouth full of cavitiesI had thethe African bellythingyou knowlike the African babiesand just traumatizedand I rememberlike my first great pictureis after I was takento my fatherlike you can see my eyesand it looks likecrack glasswhen I look in my eyeslike thiscrackjustshatteredselffragmented selfandI'm grateful for thatlater todaybecause of a few reasonsbut at that timeit was sadyou knowfor a child todo thatandI was taken awayfrom my motherand the court systemmannstu hvernigheið með það að veratökinn fram með munnioh I hated itbecausebecause I went intoI went from basicallya crack houseyou know what I'm sayingtosouthern Californiain the 90sin the suburbsBill Clinton's presidentand Pokemonand likeit didn't make senseso I started doubtingreality really earlyand my mom told meyou knowI've always been like thisshe saidI talked to herfor the first timea long timethree years agoand she saidoh my little philosopherI was like what?so yeahyou've always been like thiswe're all to bea sort ofheimspegleor sort ofyou're meant to saya lotthat just lookslike a crackand that's100% right for youwe can'texplain whyyou knowjust goand choosea difficult lifeI wanted thatyou knowbut that'sthe pointthat even thoughthe childlives inunusual placesand livesin unusual placesthen it's justwhat they knowyeahI'm not allowedto be alonewith this womanever againthat was prettystifffor like the early 90syou knowin Californiafor that kind ofdomurto come frombut I remembersix years oldlike I saidI was in my roomhad all my toysI was likeI can'tseethe lagI playin the studioI don't knowone of those 90ssongsandand I hadeverythingand I rememberI justthat wasone of the firstlike ultimatethat was the firsttime I wanted to dieI rememberlike it wasyesterdayas messed upas it wasshe was my momand that'sall that I knewandyeahso I gointo thisnormal periodof my lifeand mystepmotherreally helpedmy self esteemI'm so gratefulto hershe was likeshe was likelife you knowit has itsintensitiesyou knowand it hasthese littlebreathing areaslike where you canjust chilland breathefor a minuteyou knowand take abreatherI guess it'scalledand she wasdefinitely thatfor mebefore thedivorceso around10 years oldand nowfórstu pappaeinsjá ég varhér pappaminnog hérnastjúpmamminfrá 6-10og svo 10 áraþáþá dættupappa íðaog það var ekkifyrstu skiptien stjúpmamminstjúpmamminvarþúistshe was reallyafraid of all thatyou knowbecause her fatherwas an alcoholicand left themand so she hadher own complexesand you knowdad was alsoundiagnosed bipolarso I thinkthat dad wasalso medicatinghimselfbut he wasan alcoholiclike he lovedalcoholI've never hadthe útalfor áfengiþúistI justI can'tI can't drink a lotI don't like itnever havebut dadloved the alcoholI rememberhe washe washe washe washe wasin the kitchenI was liketen years oldand she wasshe was therewith her parentsand her parentswere really nice peoplethey went to churchI wouldyou knowthey would take meto likea burger placeI would stayat their placeevery once in a whileand they werereally likecleanand justyou knowChristianand I remembersheshe wentin the kitchenand talked to daddad was super drunkandand she's likeTom you're an alcoholicand dad was likehow can I be an alcoholicif I put it awayfor six yearsand she saidTomI'm an alcoholicog það sló migég er barawhatég var aldreiséð þessu konuað drekkaskilurokhún var edrufadurlaterI think sheended up joining a cultbut that's anotheryou knowthat's anotherpart ofAAI guessbutnot necessarily AAbut you knowöðruvísi vandamálbaraöðruvísi vandamálog hennarbut yeahdad was devastated thereandpartof it was alsothat hishis ex-wifecame out of Mexicowith a child support lawsuitsee dad had two kidsthat he never metbecause the mothersbailed bothwhen they were pregnantokyeahog hannsohe washe took his first wifeto Germanyhe was 18marrieddeployed overseasyou know what I meanin the infantryand just drunkyou knowand she had the first kidmy brother Tomáshis same name is meokI asked dad laterwhy did you name bothyour sons Tomáshe saidit speaks to his vanityand the level of abandonmenthe saysI didn't know who I wasso I hope you guyswould have figured it outso there'shérgomi therebut there's alsocomplete self abandonmentlike he was rejectedfrom this countryand then when he found outwhere he came fromhe was five years oldhe got in an accidentsplit his head openokand he's likedying in the back seatthey thought he was going to dieso they decidedto tell him thenthat he's from Icelandokwell he survivedand it just likemessed up his head manhe had brain damagehe had alcoholismhe had a lot of abusefrom his fatherwho was you knowphysically abusivehis mother was mentally abusiveand it's likehe found his whole familyhis real biological familyand his fathertried to deny himbut the problem ishe looks just like himso his sister was likeyou can't deny that boyhe looks just like youhe looks exactlythe way you didat that agebecausegrandma was you knowmeeting other guysand she wastrying to find servicemento take her to Americashe had five kidswith four different servicemenokand none of themshe took care ofher men thoughyeahshe wanted to get out manI understand you knowthe soldiers were gentlemenand they had beerand you knowthey could pick you upon a jeepyou know what I'm sayingand I understandthe desire forthe Icelandic womenthe captivesto get off of thiserða ákveði viðað það verðiegnars fullt að bönnummeð þeim sájájájájájá, þannig aðþað var roviðtengt skofyrir pappajá, já, ærlegaog hennand then finding his familyand realizing thathe was the symbolof the shameof that timeandyou knowhis brother found himwhen he was 13okhis brother wasyou knowobsessed withætfræðienn þá tæðin í þaðbróður hanser mestaÍslandingumsem ég hef kennstI've never metsuch a hardcoreæslanderlike he washalv einhvergæðuði gáðarsvona sérviskurog hennjábróð a beastyou knowog ég stjælsku vikingurjá, trúlekskuhe worked in a slaughterhouseand he ate liverfor a yearbecause he got it for freeand goose eggshe never wanted to fix the sinkit was always runningthe sink was always running waterandmymy cousin's husbandwas likedo you want me to fix thisI can fix ithe's like no nothe house was exactlythe way it waswhen his grandma owned the houseeverything was like a museumyou couldn't move anythingyou knowhe was a veryspecial manandhe was very well respectedin Eifreiand that's part of the reasonwhy he found dadin the first placeandso yeahyou knowdadhis first wifegoes to Mexicobecause she's not gettingany support from daddad's always gonedad's always drunkso heshe's pregnantwith his daughtershe bails back to Mexicorightshe goes to thethere's the brigadier generalhe's likeyou need to give me money to gobecause my husband's not hereI don't knowyou knowI'm stuck herein Germany on baseyou knowand she goes backand thenwhen they're divorcedthat's when she comes out ofwhen he's divorcedwith my stepmotherthat's whenshe's coming out of Mexicowith a child support lawsuitand dad is a piece of workdad was a skip tracerhe was a repo manhe was reallysavvyyou know what I meanand he eventuallyas we go down to MexicoI'm left unsupervisedwith my sisterwho I didn't know existedand her family I guessand thenmy dad bailswith his ex-wifeto a hotel roomshe's marriedhe's the70 grandchild support lawsuitlike 70,000 US dollarshe's screwedhe hasn't got that moneyso he tries toyou knowwork it the way he doesand convince himthat they're gonna get back togetherand you knowtell her what she wants to hearand he gets out of itwith a fucking computerand a Ford Broncolike a shitty old Broncosigns it over to himand then I had to live withthat was laterI had to live with his ex-wifehe just left me therewhen I was 11likewith my brotherand I was likeand my sisterbutthat was the first timethat I got drunkwhen I was unsupervisedwith my sisterin Mexicoyeahin MexicoI was 10in Mexicodrinking shittyTecateTecate beerandI remember sayingto my sisterI'm not usually like thisI'm not usually like thisyou knowit's likeit was a really strangeexperienceand then we go backand you knowwe pack up all our stuffand we leaveand I remembermy mother camethis was weirdbecause my mothernever showed uplike thatand she cameand they went in the roomand they talked for a minuteand come to find out latershe wasshe was coming withan ounce of grassfor my dadyou know what I meanthat's whatwhat she was doing thereshe came with weedfor my dadbut she came outshe said to meshe's my mothernow she was violentbut she was honestyou knew exactlywhere you had herand that's athat's a guiltythat came into meyou know likethat's what I meanby like good or bad examplesyou inherit somethingfrom your parentsand it's up to youto decidewhatwhere is the valuein thatso at leastI knew that she was honestyou know what I meandad was not necessarilytotally honestandshe said to meshe saidnow Tommyyour dad is a full grown manhe can take care of himselfyou think about yourselfyou take care of yourselfand I was likeokI was likesome solid advicefrom the womanyou know what I meanlike wow okfor all her crazinessshe wasshe was smartsuper intelligentviciousand she wouldalways throwthe first punchdoesn't matterif you're a manwoman childshe's a fighterand I thinkthat's what I gotfrom her as wellbutI remembertelling my dadabout thison the wayto LAso we're drivingfrom San Diegoto LA30 minutesinto the rideI feel guiltyand I tell himabout ithe fuckingsnapshe loseshis shitstarts yellingat mesayingI look after youyou look after meit's you and meagainst the worldyou and meagainst the worldI got your backyou and meagainst the worldwhat that actuallycreated was likean emotional incestsituationlike there wereno boundaries anymorea father and sonit's me and youagainst the worldand there was a voidleft behindby my stepmotherbecause she wasresponsible fora full grown manand his emotionsrightmanaging himunmedicatedundiagnosedmanaging his addictionas wellhim trying to bea good manand she said laterthat she was justtired of havingan eternal boyfriendthey were marriedand he just wasn'tyou knowgrowing upand I think thatpart of thatis the brain damagehe had when he was a kidwhen he almost diedand hit that wallyou know likehe just couldn't grow upit took me10 yearsto bury himafter he diedbecause I was so angryhe had such a good hearthe was so intelligentwhy could he nottake responsibilityfor his childrenit wasn't justthe outfitand the addictionrightit was alsojust the brain damagehe just did notdevelop strongso that gave mepeace laterbut at the timeitit was really weirdbecause Iyou knowI was 10 years oldand now I'm responsiblefor a full groundman'semotional stateandI guess that would becalled emotional incestand when I go tolikethe southwith himwe drive across countryin realitywhen I look backhe justhapna sjálfansirafter the divorceI asked my stepmotherI was likeif he didn't beexcuse my languageif he didn't bea bitch outyou knowand if he just stayedrightwould you have consideredgetting back together with himand she was silentfor a minuteand she said yeahbut he took itas such completerejectionand also as an excuseto do what he wantedto do anywaywhich is move down southso it was a twofoldlike justificationwhere he didn't haveto be fully responsibleI remember movingall the stuffinto this trailerlike I've movedhis shitacross that countryand across this oceanon my backyou knowdad always hadback problemsand mental problemsand I was just hisyou knowhaikjaskonot his sonhis brotheryou knowhis equal I guesshe always treated meas an equalbecause it was easierthan being my parentand I rememberwespáði að þú varst tíujá já jáég meðtbara eftir þaðskilurbarasame thingbut justmore developedandlike wewe gowe go to the houseI move all the stuff inand there's this momentlikewhere everythingis inside the houseand then dad saysit doesn't feel rightdoes itshould we go backhe puts it on meyou seeoh my godahaand I'm likeno nowe'll justwe'll put on a movielet's make you knowlet's make it nice hereput the chairs herewe'll just put on a good moviethat we likesomething like thatsoI had to be the emotionallyyou knowstronger onewowandthat created a dynamicthat was you knowvery toxic for mein those yearsI mean10 to 1314, 15like they were verydevastating on a personal levelbecause I didn't have any sense of selfI would golikelikeafter thathehe left me with hiswith hisex-wifethe Mexican ex-wifeand she's marriedlike I saidandthat's wheresome sexual abuse happenedfor my brotherwho was 16when I was 11andit wasyou knowall the girlssleep in one roomall the guys sleep in the other roomand there was justyou knowsexual assaultbasicallyyou knowjust veryinappropriatejustgay stuffweird chapterslike thatyou knowfrom like12 to like 15you knowit's just weirdyou know what I meanandyou knowhehe was never sexually abusedand that's whyI was angry aboutthat laterbecause dadkind of likeprotected himlike I rememberthis happenedand then all of a suddenlikethe shameI carried from itit also opened upwhat had happenedwhen I was a kidbecause I had beenI had been molestedand sexually abusedyou knowandand did you tellyour father about itI tried to tell himwhen I was 11yeahand I rememberheyou knowwhen kids open upabout thingslike heyyou knowmy brothertried to do these things to meyou know what I meanhe was doinginappropriate stuff to meyou knowandyou don'tyou don't say it like thatyou kind of open upand you hopethat the parentswill receive itand you knowask you questionsand he just kind of likeclosed his lipsa little bitand just kind of likeshook his headslightlythere wasn't space for ityeahI want to getplus for thatI want to getplusso thereI was trying to tell himand then thereI get the message backthat you knowyour problems don't matteryou knowthey're yoursandthen shortlyafter thatyou knowit was messed upif you look backhe didn't trust himselfto take the responsibilityoh of courseyeah 100%hehe wasn't able to do ithe just wasn't able to do ithe always wanted to be likethe bohemianthe hippie lifestyleyou knowlike legalize cannabisandyou knowjustbe a hippiebe at peaceand justyou knowand that isa big mistakewhen you'rethe samewith your daughtermmhmmmhmÞað er í mínum huga, þó ég náttúrulega skiljið þetta ekki.Ég skilji ekki þegar fóröldri bara verður ekki brjá aðlaður og allt þetta.Þú veist, staðan þín í dag, ég held að, og þú leirir til mig ef ég er að segja eitthvað á vittlesu,ef barnið þitt kemur til þín í dag og myndi segja þig frá svona,hvað myndið þú ekki brjáðast svona við?Það er eitthvað, ég verður, ég verður, þú veist, ég verður,að fyrstjá í björnum að hans, ég selja áholið og hérna af hans og hvað er við að gera?Og ég er sérstaklega að ég finn að ennáttuð stáði er svonahins aðlýdlísi, að hins ískilvæg, það aðstönd hins,það aðstönd hins aðstönd á skókhart Sahdið, ég finn aðstönd hins á ekki brjáðt.Og það á ég film, það ég finn aðstönd aðstönd það var ekki ég þátt,Og hann hefði ekki þurra fyrir ég og hann hefði semendingur hans svona hefði á það sem það.Og hann var eiginlega ekki að hæta það og hann stod upp á að reglifgja hans að meðals.Það sko dimið nefndir og meðfyrir meðdifyrir á þessum tímum og næmið aðmaðu.Ég sé að ég var maður rétt út af hans gerð.Ok.Það var annars emi hans st perturbæri hans sem kom að fjár fjár.og stérinn hans guf vaiðan á varu húnna flota að itísi.Góði búið ekki hægt fjota hérna.Það var að leggja hjáðstöði.Og hlutlega sæti ég að það að því þáult.Og ég hætt er með mér..there is a clear memory that all my bags are packedand I was going to go live with my mom.Which is like a death sentence.My mom had her qualities, but it was not good for me to be around my mother.But it wasn't good for me to be around my father either, you know what I'm saying?So, like, choose the evil that you prefer.But it wasn't really my choice, that's the thing.Dad had, he got into my mind.This is why I was more angry with dad than mom, because mom was honest.Dad tried to fuck with my head.Dad tried to make it seem like he was the good guy, or that he wasn't doing anything wrong, or that it was my fault.And that's the kind of manipulation that I think is worse than physical abuse.It's like, physical abuse, it's rough.But fucking with somebody's mind like that, mentally abusing them like that, and especially your own children, is a little morally, like, morally worse, you know what I mean?And I think most people can agree upon that.I have my bags packed, and dad was looking at me, he's like, well, you know, if you think you must do this, if this is your decision, then you know I support it.And I remember I was just like, what's happening here?I was in the way, right?And he had to push me away, but it wasn't his decision, or my parents' decision, it was my decision.And then I go back to mom, and then I meet my sister, and my sister, we pieced together my past.Because I remember a lot of stuff.11, 12?11, 12?Yeah, 11.And right before I left, that's when dad smoked weed with me for the first time.So dad wanted to be first, that's what he told mom.He knew that I was going to get into it, and, you know, he wanted to be first.He wanted to be first, and, yeah, whatever.And then I go back.Það er afsækjum með, það er fætt það.Yeah.I mean, at least my 11-year-old came for a visit two years ago, and I look at him, and I'm like, how ridiculous would it be right now?If I just decided to smoke weed with my 11-year-old, like, that's ridiculous.Because I want to be first.Yeah, but in general, like, I mean, that's like cutting off his arm.You know what I mean?Like, introducing your kids to neistla is like cutting off their arm, man.I mean, meðurkning is one thing, but.Párunleikt, sko.Já.And, um, so, yeah, I go back to mom, I piece together my pants.Mannstu eftir þessu mómenti þegar þú reykir kannabiss með pappaðinu?Já, ég mannst því.I have a lot of crystal clear memories.Like I said, that first kid that was always, like, looking at the Peter Rabbit, all the details, all the, at least, that's what I'm very good at, is remembering shit.And that's also something that has led to obsessive, like, reading into things.Mm-hm.As well.You know, and then also doubting myself, you know, am I making it meirinn það er að kriði hluti gæður mikið setna og komið vekk fyrir því að það er nýja upplifinir og kannski bara tröstur.There's more, like, trustworthy, um, emotional relationships, you know what I mean?Oh.Sabotaging them has always been a problem.Because being alone was always the safest.Oh, emið.Things were always used against me.My dad used everything against me.Mm-hm.You know, and my mom.My mother had this nasty tongue.And now, I inherit that as well.Oh.It's like I say, I have my father's hands, my mother's tongue, my brother's shame and my sister's love.Okay.Þú veist.And my children are from above.Mm-hm.They're my salvation, bro.I mean, you don't want to put it on your kids, like, you're the reason I haven't committed suicide.But it's like, you know, they really are.Wow.Like, I don't know if I would be here, honestly, for sure.And I'm grateful to them.I'm grateful for the hard work.I miss them.Seeing them has helped me.They're two boys, right?So seeing them has helped me to heal my inner boy, my little child inside me.Mm-hm.But going back to California at 12 years old, like, I pieced together the past with my sister.My sister is surprised I remember so much.Mm-hm.You know, my mom talks to her, because she's telling mom what I remember.And she's like, I can't believe you remember that.So we lived in a truck for like a year and a half with her husband.Another time.Okay.Maybe two years.And that was scary, because, like, I couldn't escape the beatings, you know?Like, she would beat me with a belt.She would wash my mouth out with hot sauce.She would slap me in the face so hard that I would just, like, get nosebleeds.I treated Tommy the worst.I treated him the worst.Okay.And that's why I think today it's hard for her to have a relationship with me,because it must be hard.Yeah.It must be hard for her, you know, to have to remember those things.And the fact is, she's still living.I don't know how she's still alive, honestly.En afhverallið hefur hann eitthvað sem hann sagt þræði afhverjuog hann hefur komið svona vest fram með þig?Þegar það tengist pappa hinn um eitthvað?Nei, I think it's connected to my brother.I couldn't have any toy guns when I was a kid.And she never let me buy toy guns.I think it's because my brother attacked her with a machete and was going to kill her.I think he took so much violence and she was afraid of that coming out of me,because, you know, she was also...She was also mentally ill.I mean, think about seeing your children rise upand, like, ansettin af sögum,elsku og þú og bráðist á þig, skilur.Þú veist, I think what she wanted was to break me.And she did.And that's the thing we say.We say, fólk brjóta á okkur.Já, fólk brjóta á okkur ofti gegn liðinu.Það er stundum það gerast að það brítir okkur.Þú veist, they fucking break us, you know what I mean?And it's up to me to put together the fragments every time.And there's a good, like, symbol of that.Like, right before I got taken away from her,I remember, like, she was flipping out, man.My sister left because it was getting that bad,so I was left alone.And she picks up this big mirror.She just smashes it.I remember she was screaming.And it's like, like, I can still hear the ringing,you know, in my ears, you know what I mean?Of that moment where just, like, the mirror smashedand all these pieces, you know.And that was a moment that, like, it broke me.And that's what I mean by the first,great pictures of, like, seeing my eyes, like, with broken glass.That was, like, something that imprinted on me.Ok.And those are all the fragments that I've had to, like,piece together throughout my life.It's been bloody work, you know what I mean?It's been painful.It's been rewarding.Exhausting.Exhausting, man, really.It's the grind.It's exhausting.You don't think you're getting anywhere, you know what I mean?And then you realize, well,if I'm always focused on útkomann, skilur,then I'm still in the whole cycle of trying to be perfectionisticor trying to be a hero or trying to afsanna þaðað ég var ekkert svona, svona, svona viktamæðist og,þú veist, já, it's complicated, like.Alltaf verður það að sanna að þetta var ekki mér að kenna.Já.Partially.Já.Og maybe not necessarily að sannfæri með að þetta var ekki mér að kenna,heldur líka svona, hvað get ég gert með þetta?Þú veist, ok, this is just a stáðarindur.What can I do with this to make it usefuland so that it doesn't cripple my life and my spiritual life, you know,and hopefully it doesn't, you know, destroy my kids, you know.For some, for most people, they, you know,þau svona æsasik að börnum.Skilur þær bara, sometimes you're stressed, sometimes you're tired,you know, raise our voice.For me, I at times have a hard time calibrating my internal worldand the external world because maybe I'm going throughsome kind of, like, emotional uppsveipleganýjusveiplega sem er svona átakanlegt.Það samramist ekki aðstæðinir í þrjum umhverfi.Þú veist, við segjum það alltaf bara eitthvað,já, ég er með bæpóla, það er að koma haus núna,ég er að fara svo til þunglindi og þú veist,we can maybe try to manage it with those external aðstæði,but in reality, people with bipolar, they go into mania and depression,doesn't matter about the season, they can go,doesn't matter what's going on in their life, you know what I mean.But I think believing I have control in it is half the battle.Believing that I have some kind of,I have agency in control, já, það er að koma haus núna,yfirleitið þunglindi, yfirleitið svona blanda einkenniþar sem ég geði þeirr þreytur og niðurdrein,en samt mikið af orku og svona erðalös,og svona pirraður, yfirleipo.Og hérna, já, þú veist,það getur verið svona flókið að ná ekki það, skiljum.Því að, um þetta, maður verður meira reaktivog kannski er þetta bara eitthvað venjulegt dæmiog ég tóti minn, barnið er að gera eitthvaðmælarum fyllist og tótnin, þótt ég sé ekki að það öskra,ég hef alveg öskra, skiljum, og alveg að vera reyður,en þú veist, ef ég hef með eitthvað lítið tót,ég er hæpur meðvittur um það, sko,because I don't like losing control of my scab,þú veist, alls ekki, þú veist, ég er bara í mólum eftir þaðog tögir hverju fer alveg back to default hjá mér,ég er bara worthless, skiljum, ég er bara brotinnog, þú veist, ég er ekki fær um að eigja fjölskyndalíf,það er það erfiðasta fyrir mig, bara svona, ég er bara ekkert færog ég fær þetta alltaf tilbaka, ég er ekki fær, skiljum,að því hefðu minn líka sínu það að ég er ekki færog þú veist, ég er alltaf að sabotása, íta í burtuog bara svona reyður og, þú veist, og líka það að þettafólk í kringu mig er ekkert endilega, þú veist,the most healthy bunch out there, you know what I mean,the people that I attract into my life also have their owncomplexes and trauma-informed systems and, you know,they're reacting from things that I'm triggering in themand it can be a mess sometimes, you know, so the question is, you know,can I really work with a person and goand sit quarter and not maybe, not have any likebad feelings left behind, you know, andwith my kids, if any of that tone comes out from my childhood,like, I'm so hyper aware of it,og hefur það rosa miskunnog löys við sjálfur mér og senesta árumhefur það lagast hætling og, hérna, minna álagog streyta á mig, þannig að það er ekkert, þannig að, já,slemt og það var, sko, þú veist, en, hérna,bara það að eitthvað tótt kemur fram er nógfyrir mig til að, þú veist, til að vera baraég hef það röglega ekki átt að hefa barabecause anything from my childhood coming out in the nowis just unacceptable, you know, even if it's justa tone, a voice.Þú er svo svona hardur við sjálfuð þig.Já, and by losing control of myself through the yearsand getting mad and angry and saying things like mom would say them,I found actually understanding for my parentsand that has helped me to forgive them as well.Skilur, þú veist, bara, ok,ég er að upplumi svolítið eins og mamma núna,ég er að upplumi eins og pappi núna, þú veist,I can understand how they were witnessing their life spiraling out of controland they didn't have the tools that I had.Þú veist, they didn't have the,the awareness and the help available to people with mental illnessand addiction back in the 80s, you know what I mean?They were just...En spáðu samt í það að þú núnameð þína, til dæmis,barnæsku, þú myndir aldrei koma svolítið fram með bönnið þín.Nei.Því að þú búinn snúa við munstrinu sem að þú vildirekki koma fram með bönnið þín, eneins og til dæmis mamma þín, hún átti ræðilega barnæsku,en hún endur tók.Þú veist, það er annarkvortið eða.Fólk annarkvortið endur tökur eða breytir alveg.Ok, I can agree with the idea there.The only difference is the application of thatbecause a lot of people talk about break the chain.Time to break the chain, break the chain.In my experience it's not a clean cutand in my experience it's not a chain.If you think about trauma,and like how you work through trauma,like the real work of trauma is not just deciding to benot something.Like I'm just not going to be insecure.I'm just not going to be reactive.I'm just going to be, you know, whatever.Some kind of composite that I create.It's actually like if you put a,it's a good, something on Instagram I saw a long time ago.It's like you put a cup of wine under a faucetand then you turn on the faucet.And slowly over time the water displaces the wine.So you have water left.That for me is the best symbolismor like the best metaphor for this trauma work.And my children have had to experience some of the energyfrom my, even a weird thing.It's like, the thing is like,you don't even have, it doesn't even have to be active.It's just in the environment.Like it's in the air.My oldest son, I was always like,he lived with me for three and a half years.His mother lived in Norway.And this was around the time when my second son was born as well.So I was einstafalliskilur.And he would be at home and I would always buy food.There was always food ready, you know, in the fridge.If I was doing something, he'd always gripa yggva.And I was just always like, why don't you eat?Ég er alltaf a segir að borða.I think he was picking up on vibes.Like from my childhood, þegar það var ekki matur.Það var skortur, skortur, skortur, samt alltaf matur til.Svo ég stann að veita, ég má einhverjir af til að ísála,ég vil, wow, that's really, that's a curious thing.You know, that I don't even have to say it.And he just picks up on it.And that's, that's why this work is really important for the kidsbecause they sense everything.You know, I didn't love myself until a few years ago.Like, because of my kids.I realized that I was hard on myself.I was hard on my oldestbecause he didn't have any discipline with his mother.And his mother,away. I wasn't here and I was doing my best, but I was modeling a parent that was reallygood at taking care of himself and regulating himself, but he fucking hated himself. I hadthe whip on my back, nothing was ever good enough. My eye wasn't good enough and thefirst initial message I get as a child is, well, I must be pretty worthless. That'sthe first identity message that I get. That's the value judgment I have on myself becauseChildren don't see the environment as flawedThey see themselves as flawedI must be pretty worthlessIf my mother and father treat me this wayEspecially if it's my mother and fatherThat's more credibilityIf they're the ones treating me this wayÞau eiga að vera þau sem eru svonaVæruð til þess að elska þigI would say soAnd I think my mother didThat's another thingEn hún kunni ekki beturI think that her life was spiraling out of controlMy father comes in thereShe had two kidsShe was working in a bankShe had her own placeShe was doing itShe was a single motherAnd then dad comes in there with the pills and the amphetamineThey fall deeply in loveAnd they get married and they want to have this kidAnd it's just like drugsYou know what I meanAnd then dad leavesAnd she's left with itAnd she'sI sympathize with herÞað er ásnafrið að ég spyrðuÞað er ásnafrið að ég spyrðuÞað er ásnafrið að ég spyrðuHvort það komur svo fram við út á pappaðinuI think partially, yeahFor sureBut also my brotherAfraid because the damage was doneIt was aIt was a ball that was out of controlIt was like a snowballIt was just a snowball effect if you willAnd it wasn'tIt wasn't going to end wellEn hvernig þróaðist nýstla þín?Well my dad was giving me substancesFrom like 11 toI mean 15, 16Like every time I was with dadThere was always substancesThen I would go live with my aunts or uncles for a whileOr like I said, like his ex-wifeYou knowHe would just drop me at these placesThen he would continue to try to grow cannabisWith like his friendsThat was his lifestyleThat was what he wantedThat was what he really believed inI was in the wayAnd he wasn't able toHe wasn't able to deal with me as a parentSo by smoking weed with meHe made it easierYou know what I meanAnd connected with me through thatAnd it wasI thought it was cool in 7th gradeYou know what I meanBut not anymoreIt's ridiculous todaySo there was a lot of nýstla with dadYou knowThe few times that I was with my aunt and my uncleI went to sportsI built myself upI had an environment that was conducive toÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaThat is age appropriateÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaÞróskaa very mentally sickyou know manyou knowalways trying to break me downkeep me downyou knowand I had to be his mental supportpart of the reason why I think we're a good coach todayyou know is thatI can really get into people's headsand motivate themand make them believe in themselvesbecause like I said I watched dad die over 8 yearsyou know2016 toI don't know2005 to 2013he died in 2013and you know 16 to 20I was in that room with himat his brother's houseand yeaha lot of alcoholcannabiswhen it was hotand I learned a lotand I learned the language very wellandI also gota degreeandandandandandandandandandandandandandandandoldEnglishI mean a lot of the female slaveswere from those areasand the women were the ones thatare the keepers of the languagethings weren't written downandsoohI lost my train of thought therestarted to get into likeanthropologymanfræðinabut the Englishyeah okaysoSo the thing is that the Icelandic is an older languageand it'sa very, it's like a codexfor me. So like I'll seethe roots in old English, old Germanicand like I was able to back engineermy English, AmericanEnglish from that and then I had to alsotranslate my vocabulary which is extensivefrom English over to Icelandicto be able to speak correctlyor at least toexpress myself fullybecause for me self-expression is likethat's the main goalof my life is to express myself as fully as Ican while I can.Og talartalar um yfir höfuðmeði ennsku heldur nýttirauðvöldar að tjá sjáennsku. Yeah, if I'm really going to go deepinto things and speakthen it's, and also because of the timeconstraints I'm not going toIcelandic can be very formalit can be very stiff, it's very effectivebut it doesn'treally allow for the kindof flowthat is important in these kind of conversationsof being ableto touch so many areas at one timewithout having to go through the formalpathways that Icelandic languageI mean Icelandic poetry has the mostrules of any poetry in the worldand it's a reallystructured languagebut yeah I learned thelanguage, it was working, got respectfor that but then it was like yeah I was smoking a lotof hash with my friends, you know drinkingnothing else to do up thereand partying occasionallybut then I worked my way up to a fishingvessel, I worked all the jobs you knowfiskvinsla, skreivinslasláttuhúsmúrvinnaþannig fyrstu sumarog var svona vinn og dögun hérnarækivinsla, svo fekk ég að komasvo skip, ég fór sem hásettiog það frændi okkar var þarog ég fór sem hásettiI think I wenttwo toursor three tours as a hásettiand then two toursthree tours as a messilike the cook's assistantand then I would go down and learneverything after dinnerand then I got a chance to be a hásettiso the first time I was on sea it was five months in a rowwe would come back for like two or three daysand then go right back outand at that pointyou know daddad wanted to own a placeyou know what I meanbut he wanted itsee I was the one that had the money to buy a housebutI was 18 or 19I should have gotten a driver's licenseyou know what I meanbut dad mindfucked me into buying ityou know what I meanhe's likehe like went behind my backtalked to all of our friendslike said that I was throwing him outyou know what I meanthrowing out the old man on the streetI was on my way in from seaand I came back and I was shockedI was like whatwhat are you talking aboutwhat I was talking about was distance from me and himit was like I was in a fucking relationship with a woman almostlike you know likelike I just need some space nowyou knowit doesn't mean that I don't want to be with youbut maybe we should just stop being so you knowtalking so much about our feelingsand you know your problems and everythingso he took it as if I was going to throw him outcreated some kind of psychoticlike my parents were really psychoticlike they were crazyand I've experienced some craziness in meit's like ohthat's themlike I say it's like a daltit's like a dent on the carand they're ugly you knowbut the car runs pretty good todaybut anyway dad tricks me into buyinghe's likehe's likeI have a carI have a carI had you off that shiphe said that likewhat did he saythat he hadtalked to all of our friendsand got me firedbecause I was going to throw him out on the streetand I'm sitting there in shockyou know just likewhat once again dad mind fucking meand then he goes in and he saysTom we need to buy this houseoh my godwe need to buy this housewe need to buy this houseand he thought he was doing it for mebecause he never owned a houseand maybe he thought soeventually laterI signed the houseover to himyou knowand then when he diedI didn't get any of it backbecause it's justthere's the party openbecause I have brothers and sistersthat would be a complicated processand he also had a lot of debtsconnected to cannabis busyou knowso there wouldn't have been anything reallyit would just be more complicatedI just wanted to getby signing the house over to himwas also part of melike getting rid of himyou know what I meanlikelike, yeahhe blamed me for a lot of stuffyou knowand the thing isis thatwhat I want to talk aboutlike with regards toresponsibility and agencyis thatwhen we remember thatthere's some point along the wayþað sem við keiftu þaðþað sem hann var að segjahlutverkinn skilurþað sem var sett á migI took it on as my ownrightso when I realized thatit's not possible to remain a victimbecause victims don't have any controlit's the abuserthey're the ones that are to blameand if you don't have any controlthen you can't change itbutin thiscaseI recognized thatI bought the storyI identified with itI didn't have any sense of selfwith my fatherI was his shameI was his disappointmentI was his hækjurand I wasyou knowhisI don't knowhisbakpokaI guessyou knowit was his auxiliarybrainyou knowI had to go into his head a lotand I had to go into his head a lotyou know what I meanand help him through some shitso I didn't have much of a sense of selfandyeahen skoog þótt náttúrulegavarst það bara frá þvíog varst þaðsvona hækjarnars pappaðinsog það er svo erfittað komast út út úr því munstriað því allur samanhversu gamanluðuþú ert alltaf bannið hansyeahI meanit had somegood thingslaterI meanwhen I became a coachfor exampleit was motivating other peoplegoing through sportsmotivating myselfdisciplining myselfand proving to myselfI had a lot to prove to myselfeven though I thoughtI was proving to my fatherlike I saidit was a narrativethat I boughtso my fathermight have been the symbolbut he was just a symbolin the bookin my headyou knowhe was just a characterin the book in my headthat I'm trying toáðu samanog þú veistand that's like I saidan important processof you knowoh victim to youherorightlet's harmonizelet's stabilizebutyeahhe wasvery much likeÞað er náttúrulegaeinn útgáðaf ofböldi barayeahit was brutalit was brutalyeahI would use everythingagainst meandyou knowbut like I saidI bought itand what I boughtwas his angerhis arrogancemy parents telling meI'm stupidso what I didwas likeokay motherfuckersI'll take youI'll take youI'll take itgive it to meI'll become your prideI'll become your angerI'll become your arroganceand I'll be smarterand betterand more physically fitthan youand I'll be a better manthan youso that in itselfis the good partof my father's storyis that hehe taught mehow to be a manby being how he wasyou knowand then I've had womenthat have socialized me lateryou knowmy heart goes out to thembecause these arereally stronglike womenthat I've hadthat have helped meto socialize thingsthat have notbeen easybecauseof how silentthey can beyou knowthis little childin methat never gotthat spaceor that chanceyou knowand he has hard time trustingandit can be verysilentskilurþú stótt að ég verða þærþú veistég kem frámstundummeð vanverðing skilurI comeI comeI come outwith disrespectful thingsyou knowso how can theynot get the messagethat I don't respect themamitright soeven if it isenkenniþú veistthere are thingsthat come acrossas if yeahthat's just this characterI mean if somebodydoes things againand againof courseyou start to thinkoh that's justhow they areyou knowandas sad as it isyou knowit is very muchenkenniþú veistthat's what I thinkwith violenceis likeyou can haveviolence in youand not be aviolent personand what I meanby that is likeviolencein reactionto perceivedviolenceor threatare symptomsofthe problemthat we'rediscussing todaythere are very fewactual psychopathsand sociopathsout therethat feelgreatyou knowpleasurein causingother peopleharmandyou can alsoargue thatyou knowthere are morepsychopathicnarcissistictraitsin peoplein generaltodaybecause ofsocial mediaand the kindof engineeringthat's happeningthrough thoseyou knowappsand social mediathingsandI thinknarcissistsand you knowpsychopathand all thosethose are wordsthat are castedaroundlike tossedaround prettyfreelyand liberallytodayand thoseare alsolabelsthathindraalmeðlegasamtalbecause you'rejust puttingit awayand you'retelling yourselfthat you'veinformed yourselfon the subjectbut reallygaslightinghas almostbecome justnot agreeingwith somebodyI've beenaccused ofgaslightingjust becauseI don'tagreeyou knowþað erkreisiskoað þér skoþað er svomargir semað vitaekkerthvað þaðþýðiror where itcomes fromit's a movieeinmittþað erleikritleikritfyrsteinmitten þegarég þólaekki þegarfólknotarþessu orðuog veitekkihvað þýðaen að þettaer mjögalvarlegtjait isgaslightaog narcissismipsychopathicog sociopathicvar mjögalvarlegtjaen það ertala umað það séað aukastnúnaút afbæðissocial mediaog þeir eru líkaorðnirfleiri upparí stórborgumjáokþeir eruauðvöldarað fjela sigþarþeir erufleiriþarheldurenpsychopathjáokokyeahmakes senseanonymitynotblazyen eins ogþegar þú farðiað kynastnarcissismtil dæmisjáþáþá geturekkert rúglegaí samaviðþegar þúhýttirekkertsem erekkinarcissistiskoyeahthey canhavesomeofthetendenciesorsomeofthetraitsbuttheydon'thavethatlikelikealmostit'salmostpathologicalit'salmostlikethisclinicallackofit'slikethisclinicalcoldnessit'sthislackofempathyyou knowandthereareveryfewpeoplethataresadiststhatreallyenjoyinflictingharmuponotherpeoplenowthedifferenceisthatsomebodywho hasenkenninismaybesickbecauseoftheirownviolencehasbeendonetothemthedifferenceistheimmenseshamethattheyfeelafterwardslikeifIlosemyscalpandIhaveI'vesaidsomeotheruglythingsrecentlytomybabymotherthatwerescreenshottedandtakenoutofcontextlikeyesIsaiduglythingsbutthat'swhathappenswhenyouholdtheminmyenkenninifyouusemychildasaweaponandyoudon'ttakeanyresponsibilityforthatjustsendmeamessagelikeohthenwehavetothinkaboutenkenninnowIhavetogiveyoulessdaysandit'slikewhothehellareyouandthenIattackwithwordsandthat'sscreenshotteditcomesbackbecauseIhaveahistoryofviolenceIamcapableofviolenceandcanbeverydangerousandI'mterrifiedofthatpartofmyselfifIwereevertolosecontrolbecausethat'salinethatIcannevercomebackfromphysicalviolencetoawomanorphysicalviolencetomychildrenIknowthatIcannevercomebackfromthatandthat'ssomethingthatI'mterrifiedofnowI'vehitwallsIwanttoscratchthemirrorIjustbreakoutofmyselfandIhurtmyselfyou knowandhaveyouforexampleputyour handsonthewomannonothewomanputherhandsonmeyou knowIwaskilledtwiceandshedidn'tdoanythingfastbutshediditinamomentwhenshewasscaredandthat'sjustokwelikethat'sbeatthemframhjáþvíbutmanifIhadeverhithertwicerightthatwouldbewithmeforeverþaðerbaraohblætthannbarðibarsmáðsínaandþúveistneibarsmáðminnkildimigþvísvarþúveistintwodifferentoccasionsokþaðer baraekkitekialvegáþessuskoogviðveitumþaðbæðiþvímiðurjáþaðerrosalegaþínsæðskoþaðþaðvarþessustaðskoþaðerbaraþannigþvímiðurþá er þaðþannigað þettagildirekkibáðaráttirandandhow areyousupposedtoreacttoviolencethoughlikeI'ma childrightI'mvictimizedI'mtouchedbyevilthere'sa certainkindofdefensethatI'musing mychildrenespeciallywith myhistorytocontrolmybehaviorbecauseyoudon'tlikewhatIsaythatIdisagreeonsomekindofumgengnieðaveislaeðaeitthvaðsvonahvortþaðáfariykkurútskjöptaveisluog þúert ekkisammolaog þvíég er ekkitil í þettaþú getur ekkibaranota umgengnisemvoftog hótamérþað eróbeldiog ég bregstviðóbeldien það erbara svonaþá fæ ég aðheyraog skapiþittog það hefuralltaf verið svonaI'm real easyto ice upI'm dramaticand emotionalanyway manyou know what I meanyou push those buttonsand you push those buttonsI have patienceand I've learned a lotand she's taught me a lotmy baby mothersþú veistkenda mig mikiðum þaðað regula þetta migog stjórna mérshe knows what buttonsto pushto get the reactionand then when I doreactI feel horribleégégég er alvegí mólumskilur eftirbara fuckI failedyou know what I meanbecause it's my whole storythat I'm trying tohalta frábörnin og umkverfinin generalog við erum springog það kemur útohhvað er þettaeðalækandi máttþú veistþetta er barait doesn't matterhow loud I getit's theit's theemotional contentin the roommy mother is theremy father is thereand that is notcomfortable for anyoneþú veistþú veistog þú upplifirþetta ernú lífið mér eins og mammaeins og ég sé eins og mammanú lífið mér eins og ég sé eins og pappiyeahI recognize thatyou knowI recognize thatand that'sthat's how I've forgiven themyeahokbecause that right thereI know where they came from as wellyou knowand having toglíma við þettaandla veikindiog líkafíknirfíknirþau eru undar áhugumskilur fíknirþau eru undar áhugumskilur fíknirþau eru undar áhugumþau eru undar áhugumþau eru undar áhugumskilurpappi var aldreihverja áhuguristandra rækka alveg mikiðég hef aldrei verið fyrir áfengisskomy problem is meand every alcoholicand addict will say the same thingmy problem is mewe all have addictive tendenciesI call it the human conditionyou won't call ituntucked mainspiritual maladyeitthvað aðskilurI just call it the human conditionand what it isit's also a mutationskilurit's a certain mutationog með þessu unnaðinaþá hefur veriðmjög skrítiðí mínum hugaef þú hefur aldreiráðeinhver hugbreytand efniskoyeah truebara mjög skrítiðþað er baraég átt ekkivál heldurnei neief maður pappi var aðretta mér skilurþað er svonabut umþað hefurþað er bara mjöghefur þið veriðok skrítiðkannskieitthvað skrítiðorðenþað hefur veriðbara mjög undarlegtef þú hefur ekkileytast eftir einhverjutil að ráðabara huganog bara leytastað þið breyttu ástandiskoyeahthat's what we didand I thinkthat's what dad wastrying to show mewith the cannabisis like lookyou're gonna befucked up anywaythis is the medicinethat has worked for meand for all intentsand purposesin hisin the end of his lifehe was on a lotof medicationand he was disappearinghe never ateyou knowhe drank alwayslike sodaand pillsbut when he didhave cannabisthose few timesthat I saw himthere at the endhe wasthat was somethingthat helpedhis quality of lifeit gaveit wasn't justsomething thatgave him a feelingit made the differenceI could really seethatand I thinkcannabis hasa lot of applicationsfor peoplethat are illyou know what I meanwith all kindsof physical ailmentsand I meancancer patientsand Lewisit'sit's somethingthat should beyou knowtaken more seriouslyI thinkin thepublic discussionandof itspotential benefitsyou knowsome peoplecan't do ityou know what I meanlike some peoplelikeI meanI know a fewbipolarpeople that justhave losttheir shityou know what I meanand there'swhat do you guysthink of thisand there's a bunchof people that answerand it'sit's skiffedsome people like itsome people saythey go intopsychosisI meanI think thatthere'sI think thateach personshould have the rightto medicatethemselvesas they see fitas long asthey're not harmingother peopleandI thinkalwayspeople are dyingor people arevery sickand that'swhy they're notgoing to livehow can theyban themfrom drinkingcannabisorto livebetterI justhelp theirdigestioneatinglike theworkandsleepingso I meanthe least of theirworries is thatin my opinionbutfor meit's so connectedto the storyof my fatherthat it'ssomething thatI've had to put awayyou knowand that's okyou knowa big fanyou knowlikeI used to sayalso thatyou knowohyou knowpsychedelicsI thinkyou knowpeople shouldeveryone shouldtake psychedelicsI don't think sonot anymoreno I thinkpeople get accessto like an experienceof Godand then their egotries to own itand objectify itand sayI am thisand theythey're going toall theseceremoniesand it'sit'sit's materialismdressed upas spiritualityokit's stillthe same posturingeveryone'swearing the same clotheseveryone hasthe same valuesand dietandit's ait'sit's a stepin the right directionbut allall I'm criticizingis the factthat the egotries to takeownership of itand if the egois taking ownershipof itthen it'sit's somethingthat's already deadlikelife is practicingdyingyou knowyou take an egoa haikuok I'm a father nowokI'll always be a fatherbut I'm in thisactive hlutverkabout a pappithat's enoughto get methrough a few decadesohrightthat'sthat's a rolethat's keeping meon this earthlike okI'm a coachor I'm an athletethat has to goand other thingshave to comeI'm a husbandor makathat has to goother things comethere's the thingswe identify withI'm a writerI'm an artistyou knowa musicianyou knowis that reallywhat you areor is that justwhat you door it's likeam I owningsomethingwhat Iwhat I doam I trying to ownwhat I put out therelikeif I write an essayI've written three essayson violenceand likeif I saywell this isthis is my workthis is minebecause thenI've disconnected myselffrom the essencethat was the inspirationin the first placeit's not mineI'm justI'm servicing the writingI'm servicing thisconversation right nowlikehow can my storybe usefuland beneficialto other peoplebecauseyeahbeing a single fatherwith bipolarand having a violent pastand having itsownhis own violencein himyou knowand being in martial artsyou knowI'm paintedon the outsideI mean peoplemaymay havefordómarfor sureand there might beother peoplein this situationI mean Ifor the first timeI rememberwhen Iwhen I talked aboutlikelearning how to lovemyselfwith my kidsthat's when I wentinto Alunoninto Möverstand somethingþað var svonaég þarf komastí kjartanog hérnaI have to do somethingI can't do it for thembut it is for themit's for my kidsit has to be for meand inin thereII meta womanwhowho was a singleparent herselfand she had bipolarand she wasn'tall zombifiedlike I've always seenin the waiting centersit's sad to seethe waiting centersof thethe healthcarelike when I go intolike when I was inGungudeltin og Kleppiþú veistað fara í greiningaferðliþú veistþarnageðheilsumistuðumsem hafa verið líkaþú seraðri sjúklingarquote on quotesjúklingarþú veistsem bara fólk þarnaskjólstæðingarþú veistsem eru hálsslegjafandijá jáhow many peopleare overmedicatedhow many of these peopleare artistsreallyand they're puttingall of thisok just take medicationjust take medicationjust take medicationit's likewell the medicationalmostno wonder whybipolar peoplestop taking their medicationég held að séflest allirsem eru með einhverjagreiningarsem eru overovermedicatedjáút af því að ég held aðhérnahelbröðiskerfiðvil baravið séum ekki fyriref fólk séu ekki fyrirþaujá for surejáI meanand they don't knowwhat else to dobut throw pills at itthey can'thow are you goingto fix thiség meðyou knowno psychiatristhas everhætti nálækt ná einhverjumhætti náno psychiatristhas ever curedany patient of anythingat least we don't havelobotomies anymorebut you knowthis is some kindof chemicallobotomythat people go throughand we put a lotof trust in the systemand those pillsI meanwhat other health complicationscome up as a resultof people beingso heavily medicatedstaðan að lífstilskjöfjurþau er ekki þaðborðaréttþau lofa þvíþau er ekki þaðæfaþau er ekkiþau er ekkiþau er ekkiég æfareligiouslyand that's my medicationbecause I have to keepmy endorphinand my dopamine systemregulatedyou knowand I do thatwith exercisebut if Iand I take medicationI take lithiumand lamictalwhich is like afloor weight slivog hérnabut if I stoptaking that medicationfor a weeklike I saidI stop sleepingI stop eatingI start writingobsessing overin the nightand I start smoking cigarettesand I just likeso I'm always a week awayfromástandskillurso likewith that in mindI mean people are likeoh you're so disciplinedand you're sowow you knowit's like well actuallyI have to beI'm trying to keep aheadof the wave hereyou knowtrying to surviveand thrive a little bitbut it's always conditionalonmy physical healthI have to have itandog ekki barafysikálþetta er líka baraandleguþetta er líka baraþetta er líka baraþetta er líka barastjórn á hausnumand that's whereyou know martial artshas come inand also you knowprimalI'm inlike calisthenicsit's likeit's like movementmedicineit's like a lot oflikenervous system workas welllike you're breathingand mobilityand stretchingand handstandsand monkey movementsand I've been therefor ten yearsand that hasrevolutionizedmy nervous systemafter a car accidentin 2017you knowit's likeit's been a realbárotayou knowandthe way I regulate thereis probably the best thingI've ever foundand I'll tell it to everybodyall age groupswhatever your physical abilityis come to primaland just try ityou knowtry it for a weektry it for two weeksþað er hægt að skalaöllum æfingun upp og niðurtil að henta öllumbara samankvæmtúr þessu nýkommunog sjófunumen lífsskæðinsem að færa út í þessusamankvæmstuþú erstþróaþitt kærfið þéræfingun kærfiðlike thethe immediate resultsand immediate reliefbecause you're movingyour bodyin a way that isthe way the bodywants to beyou knowregulatedthe nervous systemand all thatsobecause likelifting weightsI've done a lot of sportsover the yearsbut likethe biggest dangerfor me right nowis walking intoworld classand lifting weightség minn barafaka mér auðvitskoafsakið varðabræðþú erstþað er mjög hímáblótaok, okok, fuck yeahbutbut yeahþú erstthe martial artsthe wrestlinglikethe thing islike the personality sideof thingswith like boxingsee boxingþað er a striking sportand then I went intomuðið þærwhich is you knowknees, elbows, kicksand that was likesomething thatyou have a lot more respectfor your understandingbecause they canreally hurt youyou can really hurt themand there's you knowthisthis unspokencalmbetween eachbetween each otherbut in boxingthere's a lot more egoboth got two handsdo different stylesa lot to proveI had a lot to provein boxingyou knowand I wanted to be probut I got into a car accidentand never reallyyou knownever really developedmuch morebeyond thatbut I went into muðið þærand thenI've been coachingall these years as wellso I was coachingother peoplesince like 15 years agoand on and offand I justyou knowI like working withthe teenagersthe kidsyeahbecause likemy father's experienceof being my father's sonand being his biggest cheerleaderand psychologicalyou knowdependence and all thathas actually paid offon the other sidebecause I can really get intothe heads of these kidsand into their heartsand they really knowlike there's three thingslikeI really believe in youohrightég tala við þeiren þú þútt færtskilurog hérnaog égég virkileg þegég væntu þaðog when they feel thatthat you really care about themthey listenand then you start to thinkwellwhat do theywhat do they got going on at homewhy is it that easybut then againteenagers stop listeningto their parents for a reasonyou know what I meanthey start to find their own selfso that's where coaches come inand some of the best peoplethat I've knownin this landis the coachesand the peoplethat I train withthrough the yearslikethose people give me faithin societyyou knowand in the integrityof societyandandumandgoing into wrestlingchanged a lot of my personalitybecausestriking was likeheyyou're not gonna hurt meI'm gonna keep you at a distanceI'm gonna hurt youandeven if you hurt meyou're gonna knowthat I like itand that's gonnayou knowscrew you up a little bitlike sometimesI have bad days at workand I would just come to practiceand we would be likewarming upand doing like somelight drillingand sparring and stuffand I would just let themhit me in the facea few timesjust to get me goingyou know what I meanbut a brósábró sáso it's thethethethe pain slut in meyou know what I meanthe masochist in meyou can go a long wayon self-hatredyou know likehating yourselfin ain the right waycan get youfaryou knowat some pointself-love had to come inand that's when wrestlingand Al-Anoncame into my lifeyou knowwrestlingtaught me to gowith theflow of thingsyou knowI don't always have to be on topI don't always have to dominateyou know what I meanI can kind of roll with thingsas they comeI don't have to answer for myselfevery timeyou knowbut likewhen I get in emotionalsituationswhere I'm fightingyou knowwith women especiallyI get defensiveI can be criticaland I cannot seewhat they're sayingin the heat of the momentbecause my nervous systemis in fight modeyeahrightbut away without itþá kemur litli straugurlitli tómas framsem að er baraekki alveg búin aðjafna sig skojá dýriðhann kemur útbaraþessi dýrsem ég er búin að búið tilbara þessi ímyndunaað hljónumþetta er baramæ ventaributI meanbut there's alsoother partsthat are therefollowing alongand when I docalm down afterwardsI go overwhat the womenwere sayingin my lifeand these are usuallyfights with womenandthen I'll go backyou knowand I'll sayyeahyou knowI hear what you weresaying thereþú veistþar áður réttég skal taka til grænabara fyrir kemur égþú veistevery time alsohere's the thingþú veistthere's protocollikeI'm not gonna pretendlike it's not thereþessi dæltirthe reactions that I havebut there's always protocolfirst of alllike with my sonsor with the womenlikewith my womenþú veistis thatI'm sorryokI seewhat you were trying to sayandmy reaction wasthis this and thistil útskýraekki til að afsakaég fór í vörnút af þessu þessuog hérnaen það réttlættirréttlættir ekkiað ég kem svona framþótt aðþið útskýrirog hérnaog þá var enginnað koma svona fram þighvort sem þessupappieða einhvert annarskilurog barafyrkjaðu ég elskamyndistengsknúsþú veistthere's rupturesthat happenand then you repairthe rupturesand what kids rememberis consistencyshit will happenI have hadsome bad momentsyou know what I meanwhere I've snappedyou knowandand I've had to repairand my oldest sonyou knowhe's 13 nowhe's living with his momfor aboutthree years nowhe's with me forthree and a halfand he had to experiencethe worst of itbecausehe was alonewith merightand mymy youngestþá var mikið flakki þarand there wasthere was alsoa lot of pressafrá bársum á mighún var alveg snarþegar hann fætti skilurog hérnavar að pressa á migog vildi baravideo callsog vildi baravera í umkvæðinuog stjórna og stýraog hún bjóði ekki hjá mérit was thatboth of my baby mothersthis is a hard thingto liketowhat can I sayI tried to likedefend myselfin a way likeheyyou both decidedto be single mothersboth of themthe relationship endsrightfive days latersix days laterthey take a pregnancy testthey're pregnantthey decide to keep itthe first oneI didn't knowI didn't have any opinionswe were togetherfor three monthsjust like okayI don't have a choicerightit's her bodyshe's gonna do thisdad dies two months latermy whole worldcollapsesyou know what I meanbecause dad was my everythingno matter if he wasyou knowthe biggest guaranteeand the second onesame thingbut the second onewas my second chanceI really wantedyou knowI wanted my sonbecause I sawI was getting olderand I saw the importanceof having my kidseven if we weren'tgoing to be togetheryou knowthere have been likefive abortionsthrough the yearsyou know what I'm sayingdifferent kidsand it's likewhere would these kidshowyou know what I'm sayingyou start to thinkas you get olderlikewhat would it be likeif these kidswere here todaywell notumso he had to experiencethat earlybecause she wason my assmanlikelike it wasreally crazyandI understand thatshe has her owntriggers from herchildhoodfrom her fatherand me and herthis is the thingme and my baby motherwewe trigger each otherso perfectlyit's almostcounteractfyrir áhörðundirí kringskilurbarafólks sem er í kringogur barafaderallfæsuleðiskilurallfæsuleðiþað er baraeitthvað að rífastog svo erum viðbara eitthvað aðsúma samanog svo barahætta og rífastþetta er alvegit's been very complicatedbecause likewhen she was pregnantwe weren't togetherbut she's pregnantwe're about to take a kidso it's likewe're togetherbut not togetherþau erstthe markaleysimittla okkar skilurþau erstsvo á ég hannlitliI've taken himsix months overnightsee my firstmy first baby motherI was in a paperworkprocess with herwhen he wasalmost four years oldI wanted forayI wanted split foraysamile forayand I wanted a viku vikurightand I had been taking himfor a week over the summershe saysoh noit's justand even when we lived togethershe didn't want to split forayso I experienced thatas likehöfnumgefðveik höfnumbara égbara ekki nó skilurfrá mínu fjölskyldubasicallyafturog ég var reyðurog hérnaég fór gegn kerfiðog áður en hérnaþetta kom að þessuþá flutti hún baratil Noregshún seldi húsið sig þennanflutti bara með barnihókanog þú veistég var bara kráttundir rétt á hannog fór skilurbara okthis is a good decisionand laterI see the wisdom in ithe's in Norwayyou know what I meanI look forward to my sonbuilding a life thererather than hereyou knowbut at the timeit was still notI didn't agree with itI wasn't part of the decision makingsothe second timeI had to findkróka leðursvonabecause I knewI knew it wouldpretty much end upat the placeit is todayokwith herI knew how the system workedmy best friend at the timewas a lawyeryou know what I meanand his friendhis lawyer friendwas an expertin family mattersyou knowandworked for Síslimafor a long timeog hannbut in the beginningI took him fromsix months oldovernightandI had a sumningand the thing isis thatwhen the child's so youngþá er þetta orðamútti orðisoskilurþá er þetta mömmu orðisem telur meinajájáso she could just sayno he's never taken himsoI kind of did paperworkin a wayto where youfekk staðfestinguum umgengnigegnum Síslimanen það var ekkiþetta dæmþað var ekkiþetta dagsektirþað var baravið erum að staðfestjasamkómulegiút af því aðþað er að sækjaum stæri húsnaðieitthvaðskilurþannig að ég fekkþetta papirfyrir um þannig innog hún samþyggja þaðþá er komið að skráallavega eitthvað staðarað ég tek aðaðra hverju helgiaðra hverju þrjutaaðra hverju fymtaen það var aðra hverju fymtasvo bættis viðaðra hverju þrjutaso we're at a placewhere it's like 60-40she lives in HapnafjörðurI drive thereto pick him upon the umgengnis dagarand backin trafficto the edgeof Hapnafjörðurand backto Gravuryou knowso I did thatmany yearsand the pressurethat she was putting on meI wanted to be left alonebut she didn't trust merightI wanted to be left alonewith my sonand to enjoy my timewith himand my other sonbut there was likeshe demanded video callsand when video callswould comethen he would get more upsetI mean he was likeone and a halftwo years oldof course you see momand it's likeoh momvið með langar að vera með þérog það var þaðbara að gæða eitthvaðog ég er bara svonaoh þú veistþetta varþað var alveg fíntí rétt áðanog svo var hún að frekjaþessu framað reyna að fá þetta framþú veistog það var alvegað geða ekkiog náttúrulegaég hef verið að reynaég hef verið að tefið þettameð því að halda henni góðanþú veistogþetta sem við erum að koma í núnaer basically paperworkthat she's been puttinginto the systempaperwork for umgengniand that happened last yearandthe paperwork that she put inshe immediately starts to talk abouthann með bæpólarhún hefur farið til báða leikskólaog sagt þeim þetta líkahún hefur farið til báða leikskólahvað málskutir það?it's to give her meira heimildit's about authorityI realized she wasn't mad at mebecause she had to take himshe wasn't mad at me because I wasn'tI wanted a week in a weekshe wasn't mad at me that I wanted to take equal responsibilityhún vitt láta mig finna fyrirhún vitt láta mig finna fyrirhún vitt láta mig finna fyrirhún vitt láta mig finna fyrirhún þarf að vera með að meiraog hún vill samt vera með að meiraút af því hún vill ekki að hann skemmastmeð því að vera með meðyou can look at my 13 year oldand you can look at my 5 year oldbring any child psychologist into their livesthey're fineif anything they're more than fineand that's why I'm glad laternow we have þjálfararkennar að koma inn í þetta líkasem getur staðfest aðgeða heilbrið á þessu barni er í lægieða þú veist ég þurfti hins verauppupplifið þúupplifið þúþegar að vera að setja þetta inntil að vera spennt á þú sem er bæpallarað það sé vera að gera líturiryeahit makes you less credible as a personless þú veistþað eru fórdomarþað er eitthvað rákjáða sem sagtuði við hannu líkabara ég held þú sem er fórdombecause I go into the system with all of thisas I amand the system is likeþú setur mig gæðsindomþað þýr ekkert þú seturog hún vil meina þú veisthún vil meina að ég sé vannhæfur pappien bara nógu hæfurtil að vera með hannaðra hverja helgiþú ert ekki með bæpallar aðra hverja helgiþað er það sem ég er að meinaannarkvært þetta er vannhæfur ekkiþað er bara svart og kvíðog að þú ert vannhæfur þá ert ekki neittjá, emmittthis paperwork process last yearthe first thing she saysis I'm a bæpallar, skakk blueprintáfalla, lalalalaþú veist það er rosu auðvilt að telja uppallar þessu hlutirtil að gefa henni meira heimilút af því enn og afturfor Icelandic mothersI think in general it's more importantor just as importantnot to just be a good mother but to look like a good motherand now she wants full forayand I said on what groundsI think it's just becauseshe wants to say that I have full forayog hann er geðsjöflingurþað er þannig skoþað finnst mér vant í hjartaðað því að sko öll börnef þau hafa tvohæfa fóröldraað þá eiga þau bara að þekkjaog vera jápn mikið hjá fóröldra sínumjá, hann á rétt af þvíog ég er rétt af þvíog þetta með umgengniog dagafjölda er eitthvað semsónum minn er rosu upptekin af núnabara, hversum að það erað vera hjá pappafjóru dag, þrjá, nei, ég vil vera bara í tvo dagvera í þrjá dagáhverju er hann svona uppteknað þvíþá því hún er að tala um þaðhann fór til hann aðhann fór til vinkunum minnhérna fyrir nokkuð mánuég veri aldrei hjá pappaí víkumamma segi þaðþað mun aldrei gera sært en eins og hún myndisegja það skiljurokI know I said some ugly thingsand I felt terrible after I did saythose ugly things to herfor the umgengnibut manthis is nastybecause now my child is starting to be influencedby thisand at the same time all I hearis he's being influenced by youand your angerand yourwe are not always homeand he goes into the hlutverkwhen he gets her on the phoneall of a sudden he goes into the sad boydoesn't know how to talkhe uses his fingers to say how many days he wantsthis is the most recentokand then she's likewhy don't you go into the hlutverkthis is the first time I saidno we are going outso she asked me to go out of the carso she can talk to himand I justnothis is what she's been doingisolating him from meand she took me to the umgengniand took him out of the sportsthat he was injust oneand took him outto try and save meand she saidno it's just for himI'm just thinking about himbut people often don't think about youthat when you've been using childrenin suchumgengnis ergjumor partsthat it's always hard for the childrenit's notit's notpeople who own childrenchildren don't ask you to be thereyou knowand that's justwhat do you thinkwhat do you think aboutthat reactionbecause that's a new reactionthat I'm trying to figure outlikemy child doesn't feel bad with mebut he goes into that modeis itmeðvirtnigeggvart henniað hann vil bara spilahlutvekiðsem henniskohann byrjagett að vera meðvirtbarapínu pínu lítilskojáog nú náttúrulegaþekk ég ekkiþetta tiltegna dæmiskiluruen ég var náttúrulegainnum með börnumsíðan ég var barasjálfbannog ég mentuég svo öllir samansem við erum að tala umokkannski fæ ég að heyriþegar bara næstunnijá jábara alveg sjálfsagtég er alveg til í það skobara að það uppfæramitt eigi þekkingu skojá alveg sjálfsagten börn getur að verameðvirk mjög ungog það fyrir bara alvegeftir þvíhversu mjöghvað er verið að segjavið börná hvaða tímapunktumvið lífinubara eins og þú veist sjálfurog hefur upplegað sjálfurað þú varst greinilegamjög meðvirkumpappaðinumskiluruog allt allt annan hátað börn verða meðvirkog börn verða mjög kvíðinnþað er líka svonaá áreksi þarnaí samskipti þaðþú veisthún vill ekki ræða neitt með mér skotala um uppeldihitta að stóra ræða neitthún vill ekki hitta migí sátum eða færa neitt svonaok hún er reyðu eitthvaðen þú veistlikeI talk about it in Englishin generalthe behaviorwhen it's coming upwhen she's on the phone with himand she always says likewe're not going to talk about it in front of himwe're not going to talk about it in front of himlike wellwhy notwe don't talk about it anywaybut why not talk about itþá er það verið að fæla eitthvaðþú veistthe thing about civilizationis a very thin layer of civilityotherwise it's tribalismprimal violenceand all the other stuffthat's what we've always beenþú veistwhy do we have to pretendlike we're courteouswith each otherog við erum bortiðsamt er baragremju og anduðgakkvært mérfrá hennien það er samtég er sásið með gremjuog ég er sásið meðað skala barniðskiljuég fæ þetta alltaf tilbakaogog ég segi barahvern er ég við að tala um þetta þáwhen do we talk about iteina sem ég segi við fólk líkaer baraekki rývast þér ámböldekki rývast þér ámböldgleima því ekkiskojájá, það hefur alveg gæstand oftastvil ég bara ræða hlutirog hérnamaybe I'm not ascalm all the timeand the tension might be therebut there's always a certain kind ofuriki and gentlenessí mérsamt sem á þérþú veist, þótt ég sésvona ákveðanþú veist, hyper elevated stateog svona cortisolog bara svona fight modebara við erum að ræðavið erum að ræðaég er samt meðþú veist, þetta er gentlenærverðarskilurég er ekkert oknandifattur viðþannig aðI think we could find a middle wayto be able to talk about these thingsunder a little bit of tensionwhy not?why not?ég held að í svona tilfellinþurfa alltaf þrjúðið að alla meðyeah, that's what I wantI really want that nowlast time we did that thoughþú veistRákjáðan Eilasagði við hann aðþú erað hún væri með fordómarog af hverju ekki reyna viku-vikuþú veistso she doesn't get what she wants to hearfrom the systemyou knowand the reason we went to thatRákjáðan Eilaþví ég þurfti tilkenninfyrir barnuvennskilurég þurfti gera þaðég var að setja þessa aðstæðurog þú veisthún var brjálið í við þvíen bara sem betur ferþá gáttu alltafað fara að tala um eitthvaðeinu sinniog ég líka sagði við hannég vil að þú tilkennir að undanég verð að geraég vil ekki að þú kemst innen að vandra um skilurshe thinks it's this gamelike this petty fucking competitionlikeI don't see it that waynot with my sonsometimes it's a gamein our communicationof likehey the last wordhver er bæð besti killiskilur þú veistmaður er sem bor60 ára talavengurskilurmest í svonaveik samskiptien það hefur lagasthættlingút af því við áttum barso because we had a kidwe both reallygot betteryou know what I meanit's just thatwhat I think is the issueshe sees this childas most womenthat have childrenas a direct extensionof her bodyit was made in her bodyskilur þú veistthere's a disconnect therewith the manbecause it's likeheyI made thisrightthis is mineso what I think is bestfor the childmust be what's bestfor the childóháðrökgræningskilurþú veistog eins og að þú sem pappinhafið rækkt um það að segjaeða takmarkaðjá takmarkaðþau með það að segjaþað er hérnaég kalla henni skilurfulltrúin minn skoshe hates thatþú veistaf því það er alltaf svonaað veg á metta mínuheðunum mínu samskitier ég nóg dúler ég ekkertþú veistég veri í svonaþrautirbara svona hamsu sjálfmeð sjálfuð mérskilurreyna ekki fara á frattekki fara á hægtbara svona rétt nógþannig að ég fæ aðgangá barninu mínuog þetta er ástæðin fyrirég er búin að veraþú veistað halda henni góðangegnum árumúr út af því aðmy son sensesher emotional stateand of courseas the primary caregiverhe's going to behe's going to deferauthority to herhis emotional securityis going to bedeferred to herautomaticallyso he will take a positiontowards meand be put in thatmeðverðs aðstæðurskilurbara eitthvaðhvernig á ég að veraoké ég þarf að veraþað sem mammavil helstog því það eraðalur ekki mittþannig aðthat's why I kept her goodso that he would experiencethat fluiditythat mamma og pappaeru leien þetta var baratoxic og meðverðskilurbara honestvið vorum að sóasaman alltafperiodicallygegnum árumskilurog það var það sem ég var að geratil að láta þettasmurja hans samskipteins og pappimeð fyrrandanskilurbara eitthvað70.000 child supportlosswhat are you going to dooké ég ætlum baraað smurja þettaskilurog ég gerða þaðfyrir börninog ég er barawhat was I doingI was prostituting myselfbasicallyso I was getting stuckin a toxic patternthat maybe short termhad to pay offthat my kid was ableto have some peacein the early yearsbut now we're at the placewherehún vil fullt foræðiog baralágmakt sjöngingisem er mjög sorglegtfyrir barniðaf því viðþað er hvernveginngrundvallar aðriðþarf alltaf að veraað barnið þarf að veraí fórgrunní öllumhugsunumhjá báðum fórældrumskoI can admit thatwe get lostwe lose sight of thatin the fight ofbeing rightand the competitionof being the better parentnow we both have thatworthlessness in usfrom our childhoodso when we had this kidit wasþú veistég var reynasannu fyrir henniað ég var í nógskilurað þvímeð fannst ég ekki nógmeð fannst ég ekki nóggóða pappiég vildi vera betrihún vissi að líkaog íta takkunatil íthún driði verið betriog fyrir þaðég skal segjaeven though I talka lot of negativethat's just circumstantialat the end of the daymy baby mothersthey made me a manthrough the difficultyI think thatwomen socialize menwe socialize each otherI mean we dobut likefor me the waythat I experience itis likea lot of guysmaybe see it as likeoh controllingand you knowstjórnsemifrekjaand yeahit can be thatit can be thatbut the motivationI think is to socialize menrightandI'veI've needed the socializationthat women have given methrough the yearsand it's been toughandég læk ekki á neinumað vera barsmóðminn heldurog það ég er mjög erfiðurog ég sé baraég bara til börnum minnþú veist ég getað að verahostileog defensiveog bara svonaheythis is the only reasonI'm here pretty muchif I didn't have my kid hereI would be in Thailandhalf the yearand be here half the yearbecause I cannot handlelike this is the firstautumn that I'm likeyesþað er komið haustog geggjanú get ég fara svonaað lóka mig afég kann betra á migþunglindiit's the maniaand the spring timethat's really badþað var ég ótreknulegurþá tek ég svona áhætturpeningalegaog þú veistþú veistmeð listin líkaég er að skrifaog búiðalltaf bjartogsoI grew up inSouthern CaliforniamhmI evenI also wondermeð að við hversuregulated ég ermeð bæpólurog áfallasöðunog þettalikeif I lived in a placelike Southern Californiamhmor Thailandwould I even need to takemedicationí verð höfuðjaconsidering my lifestyle choicesthat I have right nowthat support me morethan the medicationgettiég veit það ekkiþú veistég þurfti að fara að minkalitthiðí vorog því ég var að fara að pissa5, 6, 7 og 8þvíog maður leragæðleiknimér er veikinduleifiog ég veit ekkihvað hún er veik meðog hvernig hún kemur afturog það er baraengin úturumhaldþannigef ég þarf að fá að talavið gæðleikniég fór til heimilistakleikumtæðinég fæ alltaf liveins og þú segirbara jáþú fær alltaf liven bara svona úturumhaldbara heyI amég er að minka lifinmhmfattar þausowhat is a personlike once againI get the message backwhat am I supposed to dookif I'm about to kill myselfand go into gæðeldif I need pillsthen I can get pillsmhmotherwisewhere do I goI go to the people around memhmþú veisttengslanandi mérskiluþað er fólkið mérsem gripið mérog ég mennaég menna gera alltfyrir fólkið mérskiluþú veistþví að fólkið sem er nátttengt mérþað er eins og fjölskynduég er ekki þeimsem bara eitthvaðíslenska familymeðþú veistthis is the corethis is usthe familyand then these are the acquaintancesoutside in the outer ringand then the friendslikeI don't have thatthe people that are near meare my closestyou knowthey're closest to my soulandthat's therapeutic for mealgjörlegaað hafa svona nántog ópið samskiptiog það er baraheyégég er til stað fyrir þigog ég er ekki til faran þittandshockermost of my close friendsthey're like the abandonedlost kids too manwith their nervous systemslikeunregulatedregulatedtraumainformed historyyou knowandI think the scary thing isthe real scary thing isis thatpeople thatlikemaybemaybe they're soliberal with likeohit's ADHDog hvíðaog það er svonagæðvegsamþyggdæmií samfélaginu dagog það er barasetið livog þaðþú veisthversu veikgetur þetta fólk veriðmeð þetta hugsaog því aðþað var jólineinhver tímaogand it's like a little bad jokebecause ADHDis ríkjandií þarna meginhjá bársmómieinskilurog fjölskyndin hennarog það var einhverní fjölskyndinniá jólunumsem var að segjaeitthvaðó þessi krakkaþessiþú veit með svo virkirbarnaböðnumgætið það fyrir í gerinumeitthvað svonabara út afóvirkniog þau hlóðubara ha ha haog það finnst því aðkannski er það með bæbólurog þá baraþau þá þáttþað er sákkbara ekki aðracist commentsexist commentskralþað er sáleikog óksleikwell let me tell you somethingit is geneticand if a son gets itfrom its fatherthat's 80%heritabilitythat means that80%geneticinheritabilityfrom the fatherrightsoif my sons have itwellthank godthat I'm their fatherI'm abecause who the fuck elseis going to help them with thiswho the hellwho else is going to help themnavigatewhowhowhounderstands ityou know what I meanthey're just going to tryto put pills on itlike it's an ADHDgreiningubecause people don't knowwhat else to doand alsoa kynni sér ekkert efnier líka vandamáli dagút af því aþú veistI think that peopleare not intellectually lazyas much as they're justexhaustedjust thethe survivingaspect of lifeyou know what I meanand people justdon't have iteins ogþað er ekkert mála að segjabara gudirallir á virkir eðaallir maður að því hátien eins og bæbólurségbara ekki við döðadomurI meansome of the mostlikeokif we want to talk aboutwhat bæbólurisgeneticallythere'sthere's athere's a certain subsetof genesrightthat are associatedwith bæbólurand these genesare also genesassociated withcreativity and languagerightsowell that makes sensefor meregardless of creativityand languageI mean you knowit's likewell obviouslywhatwhat I think it isis a mutationand it's a mutationthat is a partof our evolutionas an organismand our collective as wellhopefully my childrenwill inherit itthe upgraded versionof the language skillsand the creativityand not have to dealwith thebipolar stuffthe dramatic sideyeahthe sickI'm gonna kill myself sideyou knowbut I meansuffering is a goodmotivator to createI mean I'm a poetyou know what I meanI've given out hip hopthere's jazzthere's poetryI've writtenlikeI've writtenphilosophical essaysI enjoy doing thatyou know givingmeaning and structureto the chaosthat is the emotionalbecause it's so overwhelmingand a lot of timespeople maybe don'tunderstand itbut it's likeit's not a sicknessas much as it's justdifferent equipmentyou know what I meanliketraumatrauma and listeningI don't know ifthere'ssome peoplemost people are visuallike I'm not visualI'm mostly likesometimes when I starttalking to a personfor the first timeI'll just turn my headand put my earto their chestlike I'm maybethis far awaybut I'll lean inand I'll just likehear them talkingbut I'll just havemy ear to their chestit's almost like sonarit's a reliableold like systemokrightbut it's served me wellbecause what do I need to knowI need to knowwhere this personis coming fromI need to knowtheir intentionsand I have a pretty goodvele lessonhvað varðarílskaog vannsvonahvað heitir þaðþannig aðdysfunctionog vannvirknidysfunction in peopledysfunctional patternssafetyyou knowmaður er alltaf að skoðafyrir þaðen svo byði mannimanneskusem varþú veistþaðég gef ekkert fær á migtil að svíkja migþað er nevskilureinleikni er bestaf hopninog sköldinað því það afhopnar alltþú veisthverju hef ég að fjelaskilurég get fullt af hlutummaðurég er baraflestir sem þekkir migþau fá að þekkir migallanin the first couple of weekseverythingdeepest darkestskilurall the things that I've gone throughall the things that I've donerightþað er ekki margirsem myndir viðað kennabara til dæmiég hef barasækla út af hlutég hef beittandlega opaldiflestir myndir reynaað fjela þaðnæjathat's the issueis thatif we can'tharvest thestaðarindirthen we can'thave an honestconversation about itthe point isis thatwhen wedo thatwe polarizethe conversationintothis is a moralfailingif I admit thisthat I do thisthen I'm morally wrongandthat can developinto verypsychopathic behaviorpeople arecompartmentalizingog að afnætaþetta inni séðog ég sésyntaðsem pathologykomi uppí fólki kringumog emmikonur semeru meðmennog þeirraskiljaog það er barait's very disturbingthe amountof denialwhen the systemis involvedin their affairsand the systemis sidingwith the fatherand the motherjust doesn't see itand is makingthe childthe problemthere'sso manysicklikebyrtigamyndirþví að þessuafnættunog einangrunog hennarif we can havean honestconversationabout itI thinkalsolike I liketalking aboutthe visionbetween the sexesbecause it seemslike the sexeswe're all in thislikevið erumvið erumsitt hvort hortniskiljurallir að reynafá þaðþað sem þið viljaán þess aðberðskallusvo mikiðþú veistthese guysare fuckboysthese are notwomen to marryit's likethere's allthese likepolarizing labelsand thingsthat arethat are gettingin the wayof real connectionrightif we can connectthrough honestythanks momþú veisttakk mammafyrir þettaskiljurbara heðalegiskiljurog reynskilnibaraef við getumkomið það framþá er hægtaðsem sagtlæknastog fara með fólkþú veistað heila allavegathen we can healeach otherbecause exactlyok the systemis not alwaysgoing to be therefor methey'll throw pillsat mebut where doesmy real healinghappenit happensthrough my peopleyou know what I meanour peopleare what heal usand it doesn'thave to besuper kakaospiritual ceremonystuffI'm not talkingabout thatthat'sa lot of thatis justgroups comingtogetherand unfortunatelywhen groupsof peoplecome togetherthey formkind ofhierarchiesand you knowit becomesa cultaround a certainkind ofbelief systemit's not that12 step groupsare cultsit's just thatwhen peopleget togetherthey kind ofact like cultsthat's justhow we areþað er þannigþað er þannigog alvegsamanhvernig fólkþað ersem kemur samanþað þurfiðekki veriðalkoholistarþað þurfiðekki veriðbara alvegsamanhvernig fólkþað erað verðuroft þannigað fólkfer að hagasig eins ogsé einhverssvona kvöldskoand I can bevery criticalyou knowbut thecriticismis alsojust fromtrying tobe sociallyconsciousyou knowofthe hazardsthe detoursthe way welie to ourselvesbecause allmy essayslike when Iwrite themthey're notabout likethey're notabout comingto somefinal conclusionabout anythingit's aboutjustinvolvingthethepeopleinto acertainconversationand typeof thinkingthat allowsus tosee thingsthat wedon't seewhen we'refocused onpolarizingnarrativesand theproblemwith thenarrativestodayis it'sa comparisonof griefit's acompetitionof griefrightwho ismoreyou knowlikewho ismoreinjusticelikeis ittheblacklivesmatteror isitthePalestineso youcan'ttalk aboutthisbecauseyou'renotalsotalkingaboutthisand thisisworserightthekillingofchildreninGazabutwhataboutblacklivesmatterit'slikethisit'sinsanityandthenwechangeaprofilepictureonFacebookand puta flagthereand wecallthatsocialparticipationandthenwejudgeand uselabelslikegaslightingor hurtpeoplehurtpeopleyou'refeedingthewrongwolfthesearesocialmemesthatallowustoshortcutthinkinganddiscoursebecausethen wecan justlabelitjudgeitandthat'swhatwe'redoingthehumanreelsdoIhaveenoughattentionforthis30seconds60seconds90secondsourwholeattentionspanisbeingengineeredandIthinkalsoouremotionallikeþrautsegjaog útalltisbeingdiminishedsoIthinkthatenkvarubecausetheydon'treallyfindonegeneassociatedwithenkvaruandit'sshowingupallovertheplaceIhaveatheorythatthatmightjustbethespeciesdownregulatingandselectingforsurvivabilityin thefuturewhichisbasicallywe'renotgoingto beasemotionaloverthingsseemstobewherewe'regoingyeahIgetitbutwhatisthefutureforyouhowareyounowverymuchandthat'showyoufindyourwisdominthepastandImeanwellyouknownotonlyfarawayfromthelongtimewhenIwasboxingandfightingitwasalottoprovebutlatelythepastcoupleofyearsit'sbeenhumblingbecausethere'ssomethingabouthavingahundredkilomanwithhiskneeonyourbellyandyou'reonyourbackunderneathandthere'snothingyoucandoandallyoucandoisjustrelaxanditgivesmelikeIsaidthatstructuretoemotionallyregulateorliketoregulatemynervoussystembecauseI'matraumainformednervoussystemviolencehasbeendonetomesotobewellcraftedinviolenceisagoodstepit'sthemosthonestfirststepIthinkyoucantakeit'slikeokthisisinmehowcanIletitnotdestroymylifeandmesoIthinkbutframöndanerhérnafyrirmigpersónlegaerMMAþvíégbúinaðveraIhaveaboxmúiþaðogklímuogerbarameðcalisthenicsþúerbarasvonagrunnilíkaþúersvona10áríhérnaprimalogþessmeðlanguríMMAmeðlanguraðblandaþessuöllsamanbecauseexactlyit'saboutexpressingmyselfthat'swhatmylifeisifyouwanttocallitasabipolarpersonorwhateverIdon'tknowbutlikeit'saboutcreativityandexpressingmyselfhowcanIexpressmyselffullywhileI'malivebecauseIdon'twanttohaveanyregretsI'msureI'llhavesomebutIdon'twanttoregretlikeshowingpeoplethecontentsofmysoulateverymomentthatIcansoIhavetokeepmyselfascleanandcleartheglassheretheegotransparencyandfluiditysothatitcomesthroughbecauseattheendofthedayItoldmylittlefriendaboutthisattheendofthedaypeopledon'trememberwhatyousaynotreallypeoplearemostlyfocusedonthemselvesthat'sjusthowpeopleareit'snotamatterofselfishnesswe'rejustthat'swhatyouskiljaeftirhowyoumakethemfeelaboutthemselvesandit'swonderfulasIammyoriginaltemplatewastheoppositeofallthisdarknessandsomeonesaidto meonetimeshesaidit'samazingyou'renotaserialkillermeer viðalltþú veistég erkraftverkþú veistogþað að verakraftverkerhumblingmaðurþú veistand allyou wantto dois liftotherpeopleuparoundyounowunfortunatelyþað erekkisjálfsagtmaðurviljaþaðmaðurviljaþámaðurgeraþaðandþú veistunfortunatelymywomenhavealsohadtoendurethingsyou knowa lotofmybullshita lotofthetantrumsyou knowthelítitóryggurstrákureins ogsæðþað erein starfsemsættumdaginnogéglasþettaogégsagðijáégerþaðhannerþaðogþaðeralltafleiðskoégerekkiaðberjaniðurlengurþaðeraðberjanámaðurþáégeraðberjahannía.a.ímörgárafuckingmeðsvipunámigbaragerðubeturþúerbarashitþúerbaraworthlessgerðubeturgerðubeturverðuavalueandthat'sthecoolthingabouta.a.likeIlovea.a.itbuiltsomanythingsIbuiltsomanythingsthrougha.a.youknowbutit'sasystemthatmakesyoureallyhardonyourselftooandthat'snotnecessarilygoodforanaðstandennþvíuppkominnbaraákvælistaaðveraalltafía.a.ennaðbjargafulltáokkursemþaðerekkigottfulltáþvíónumstuðubaraokogennabutyeahI lovea.a.andwhat itdidformebutitwasIhadtolátaafsvipunþúveistaðhættaaðverafullkominnogverameðþaðogverabúinformerrelationshippatternsformerpainþúveistlíkakannskibaraþegarþúáttæðiá þvíaðþúværiaðstandendþvíyeahforsurevarþaðekkikannskilíkabarasvonaákveðinsvonaljósaperasemkveiknaðisvonaíhausnumbarasvonaforsureþvíþaðvarkjarninkjarninvarþaðaðégvaruppkomparákveðistog ég varabusedandvannreklaþú veistwhatever it's calledvannrektavannrekslavannrekslaso that wasyou knowaddictionhad pretty muchdefineddrugs andalcoholpretty muchdefinedevery areaof mylifebefore Ieventriedthemincommunicationinemotionalstabilityit wasinallthepeoplearoundmetheywerealsoalittleextraunsetinbecauseofthenatureofthedrugusethattheywereinandthetimeSoyeahit'sprettyscaryyouknowit'sprettyscarytocomefromthatandbutIthinkIchosethislifeokayyeahandthat'snotmedissociatingharditsoundslikeitbutthat'slikethemartyryouknowwhatImeanlikeohIchosethisIthinkwechooseourlivesIthinkwechooseourparentsIthinkIwantedwhattheyhadIwassupposedtogetsomeinheritancefromthisandyouknownottogetintotooweirdofstuffyouknowwhatImeanitcanbereallyweirdlikeI'vedreamedthefuturesinceIwasalittlekidsoit'sreallysurrealIhadadreamthisislikeIhadadreamIsawearthlikeitwasaminecraftearthandthequakeandthecorewaslikeIcouldseethecoreaswellitwasliketheearthwaslikeinathetopoftheearthwastakingoffandIcouldseeitinthecoreandIwaswalkingbyandtherewasamantherethatlookedlikehewassmokingnexttoaljósasturand IsaidI'mlookingtoputateamtogetherandhejustlookedatmepældiþitalaþiumbóðaáberðþaðlístistalltuppfyrirmigþáþvíbaraéghafðiauðvitaðskilurnot onlydid Idesignthisit wasmyideayouknowanditwasariskpældiþiIputeverythingIreadthefirstsixyearsofmylifeit'slikeeitherI'mgoingtosurvivethisornotmhmmþaðerhefðistmikiðábyrðþettaeráhugaðskoþúersvomeðþúerstforonlythreeyearsagodidIforgivemomanddadyouknowyeahonlythreeyearssinceIlovemyselfreallylikeandlearningthatyouknowthatIhadtogobacktothewombyouknowyouþurftafarahulahulahulahulahulaImeanasyouknowmynervoussystemisn'tnormalsoIsawmyselfas afetusinthewombandIjustrecognizedthevalueoflifethatmymotherdidcarrymeforninemonthsIatleastsurvivedyouknowwhatImeanIdidn'tdieshekeptmealiveenoughandanotherkeythingshewantedshewantedmeshedidn'twantmeImetsothat'swhere IcomewiththecompassiontoherlikeshewaswitnessingherlifespiralingoutofcontrolandmomwasapieceofworkherselfbeforewewentontherideonthetruckwhereIwasliketwoyearswithheronthetruckandherboyfriendseeherboyfriendthatshegotinthetruckthisisabigsemitruckcarryingfreightalloversouthwesternAmericahadnotherbestokayshewasdatingtheguy'sbrotherokaybeforeshewentwithhimandherbestfriendwasthisguy'swifesosheshetakesherbestfriend'shusbandwho'salsothebrotheroftheguyshewasdatingIrememberthat'sthefirsttimeIwasthatwasyouknowthesexualabuseisreallylikeIdon'tknowlikegettingintotoomuchdetailaboutitbuthisdaughterwasolderthanmesevenoreightyearsoldandweshareda bedonenightandIrememberIrememberhavingsexlikefouryearsoldandIrememberreleaseandIrememberthenervoussystemreleasedlikethenextmorningwalkingoutthere'sSnoop DoggyDogplayingon MTVon the TVlike IrememberitclearlyyouknowwhatI'msayingit'sreallybeingmolestedsoyoungyouknowyougethypersexualizedthat'salsoainkeniðofchildrenthat aremolestedyoungbutyeahshortlyafterthatthenwegoontheroadit'sacrazystorylikeit'sinsaneandþegarheilinverðurexpósaðaðeinhversemhannávikiðkynastsnemmaþábrynglastábrynglasteinhverjaststöðvarskoí heilanumverðursvonahypersexualistskoI meanyeahI thinkI thinkit musthave beenjustI wasjustinshockI thinkthe wholetimemywholetimeI wasinfearI wasinshockI wasdisgustedby mymotheras wellshe wasverydisgustingyou knowwhatImeanhersmellI wasafraidofherIdidn'twanttomovetodrawattentionbecausethetensionmeantphysicalviolenceormentalviolencethethingisIdon'treallyremembera lotofthephysicalviolencebutIrememberthewayIfeltIrememberthefearIrememberthethreatIrememberand Ithinksomeofthethingshavecomeupthroughmyselfworkthepast15yearsofsentencesandthingsthatshesaidtomethatarepartofmyinternalcriticmyinternalI'msoselfawareandpeoplearedisappointedthatyou'renotafuckingmessalmostandthey'redisappointedwhenthedeltacomesfromanditcan'tbeamessanditcan'tbeamessandIknowthatandThomashasbeenforgivingpeopleandhehasbeenforgivingforhimselfandyouforgivepeopleandyouletthemgobutitcanbelikeasadgriefandasadgriefandasadgriefandforsureyeahyeah100%andtherewardisforyourselfforthemostpartespeciallywhenit'syourparentsandIthinklikeattheendofmyessaywhenI waswritingaboutlikeviolenceistheendofthedaymychildrenarefightingmybattleswithmesomykidsaretheonesthatgettojudgemyperformanceandgodI'veagonizedoverbeingaparentI'vejustlikequiteafewChristmaseveswhereI'maloneyouknowwhatImeanandtheremykidsarewiththeirfamilyandI'mjustlikewalkingatnightinmyneighborhoodandI'mjustdevastatedI'mjustcryingjusteatknowme,asyrkjaþaðaIgotekkiveriðbetripappiútaf þvíég varbaraég varungurég varekkitilbúinskilurasyrkjamíneiginæskuíleðinniogeinmitteins ogégsagðahannaverabarainn íherbygginuþú veistmeðbörnumminneða þú veistinn ístofuog sjábörnummittbarahóra á sjómöbiðog ég er barabróttbróttna nýðurþau vitiekkisem ég hafiég er aðgrenjaþú sérþigsem lítinnstrákíbenninuþínualgjörlegaskoandthatthey'llneverknowthepainthatI'vehadtoendurebecauselikeyoucarrythatyouknowwhatImeanandthat'salsowhyIwon'tcommitsuicidesbecauseIthinkthatitjustfirestheevilofthemItrúwiththeseskoþúveistþáerþettabaraallttilgangslösogefþettaeflífierallttilgangslösaðþúhelduraðþúþartaðdreppaþigþáerþaðaðdreppaþigerlíkatilgangslösþannigaf hverjugeraþaðskilurandI'mnotjudgingitbecauseI'vebeenthereandIknowthatsuicidethewayI'veexperienceditisnotaconsciousdecisionit'saeliminationaprocessofeliminationliketheseareallthethingsIknowthatIshouldcontinuelivingforbutthey'reallnullprocessofeliminationtheonlythingyoucanseeisyourpainandtheonlyconclusionthatyoucometoisnotachoicetheconclusionisthatyourpainmustendthereforeyoucanbetherebutthatisnotachoiceofitandI'mnotvictimizingorlikeohthisisthesongyou'regoingtoplayatmyfuneralyou'reallgoingtomissmeyouknoweventhoughthat'satendencyofpeoplethatareinthatstatejustdepressionandsuicidetheycanbetherebutthat'snotwhatthefunctionlikethemechanismofitiswhenit'sgoingonyouknowhowdoyouIthinkit'simportanttogothereoccasionallytogointothedepthstogointothedepressiontofaceitbecauseIthinkwhenwedon'tdothatthat'swhenshitpopsoffthat'swhenbadthingshappeneveryonelooksnormalontheoutsidethenboomhe'sgonewhathappenedwedon'tfacetheabysswithinourselveswedon'tgodowntherefacetheabyssit'slikeheyyouaretemporaryþettaeralltlánaðog þettaeralltdraumurog þúmyndfaraíóminniðafturog þaðlíðuröllumyllastundumþaðerenginsemlíðuralltafrosalegavelog alltafhappyog alltaflífi erekkisvoleiswell I knowa few like thatthey thinkthat they areor at leasttheythey tell methatit'sit's theit's thepositivitycultyou knowthey usepositivethinkingas aband-aidyou knowmeanwhileif I tryto usepositivethinkingas aband-aidforgushingwoundit's like aspeedto blowútímérég barajáþetta erbaraalltígóðuskilurbaranæþetta erekkialltígóðuþaðþaðþarfbaraaðkomasthorfastíauðvistaðrændirskilurþú veistþetta erekkialltílagiogþúþarftákveðinaðgerðogþú veistI meanthere aremany waysto doityou knowwhatImeanþú veistmeditationsportsexerciseImeanpeoplethere'sa lotofpsychedelicsyou knowgoingin theconversationtodayformentalhealthandIpersonallyþú veistIdon'tknowifIneedanymorehugbreitandisvonaástöndumskilurþað semég ferútum mérég hefalvegtekiðpsychedelicsáðurandhérnathere'sonethingthat Itookthat wasibogaineandibogaineis therootandyou'renottrippingthis isjustyou'resickandyou'rejustthrowingupþú veistælaog kúkaþetta er ekkisexyþað er baratribaltónlessað spilaþað er barageðiðpyntingaekkiþað erekkiskoenþarnavar ákveðinsvonaupplifunaað reyndsvo útþú veistsvonatrámasem festistí líkamannumán þess að það séeitthvaðsögueðasyðferðieðaeitthvað tengðiþað var bararaw materialbecauseif you think aboutwhen people doviolence to youespecially when you're youngthey pushinto youand they make a spaceand they fuckingdo it hardand brutaland they leave a lotof shit in thererightbut throughout lifeþú næra tínaþessu uppurþetta er ekki mittég skal eigja þetta samtþetta er alltafþá byrðubara tilspaceog það er þettaspace og rýmisemer held égþú veistþað sem allirer að ranna að fágegnum ölluþessumpsychedelic experiencesand drugsand all thatwe're trying to findthat place of peaceand calmbut that only comeswhen you realizethat that placeof peace and calmis really justwhere deathis waiting for usþú er stæðiðbara heiþetta er allttímu bindiðþú er nú þegarþauðurenjoy your timein the sunenjoy your little gamesit's funbut this isdeath's domainand when we cometo terms with thatthere's peacemaybe not the kindof peacethat you thought it waslikemaha rísiðþú erst baradancing aroundin robeslike ohI'm fucking enlightenedor whatever peopleare jerking themselvesoff with todayI mean it's likemental masturbationit's a peacethat is quietandalmost likesomething thatprecedesall of thisso it's somesuprarealitythat iscame before thisso it's morerealit has more authoritythan thisrightandI look forward toyou knowlike I sayI look forwardto the hostI look forwardto thatthat's the grandestjourney right therewhen we dierightthen we finallyget to knowumitumitég segi baraalltafyoutubeskobaraþar semþað er þjóðiðað velþað gerir þúég dæmenganog barasvo framhóðursem hún skadarekki aðraþað er svonaenglish common lawyou can do anythingto yourselfas long as you're notdamaging othersor their propertymér finnst þaðalveg mjögmake a senseþað make a senseskojáog like I saidwhatever you dowith your bodywhatever you want to dothat's your businesskeep the kids out of itþað veistsérstaklega það skothat's an interesting topicthere's one thingI want to talk aboutwith thatis likethis whole liketransgender debateand childrenin the wrongsexin the wrong bodiesI just wonderif the transgender communityor the LGBT communityhas ever wonderedif maybesome of thosechildren arepossibly homosexualhow can you saythat they're the wronggenderif they're just stillexploring their sexualitymaybe they're justhomosexualthis kind ofgoes against the causeand the libertiesthat they're fighting forand the freedomthat they're fighting forif they're not allowingthe homosexualspossibly to beyou get what I'm sayinglikejá jáalgjörlegaog égog þetta er svonaþetta er baraok I don't want towalk into a minefieldég er ekki feimumað ræða þettaég finnstað því að égþekkit æmiþað sem að baraég sá barafrá því að barnvar baratveggjörabara það er stelpaen það fættistdrákuren svo er að komaí ljós núnabara26-7án setnafættist barabæðiskilurbara með bæðiáverttvítég þýtti hvortþað kallasttvítólaeða hvaða kallastskohermaphroditeI think it's hermaphroditeég veit ekkithey have bothjáogþá er bara læknan þeir semákváðu í rauninnifuckinghugum það strákwhen she was bornjájá okI understandjá ok okwowjáwho makes that kind of decisionthat's a tough onejáinteresting casesyou knowjá jáinteresting casesog það er eitthvaðég finnst þetta orðiðsvolítiða privilege in western societytry not to talk too muchabout these thingsbut in generaljust likewhatever you want to doto your bodygo for itif you want to be a manyou want to be a womanI amsupportive of thatbut the kidsleave them out of itleave them alonethat'sI mean I thinkwe can all agree upon thatandalgríðabecause there's so muchobviousso many variableslike I saidit could be kinnaithit could be sexualitynot genderso you need to give themthe space to alsofind that out for themselveswe talk about safe spacesand all that stuffwell why wouldn't you giveyoung homosexualsthe spaceand safetyto figure that outfor themselveswhy would you pushthe gender thing on themaf því að mér er alveg samahvaða kýn þú erteða hvaða kýn neyðbaramér gett ekki alveg samabarasvoðið á hvernig sem þú viltog bara verðtuhommiðeða lasaðiðeða tvíkenniðmér er alveg samabara gett ekkien mér finnsteitt sem ég skil ekki alvegtil þess að mér svinkarmér ábrið styrtuí vörðlöfsundaginog þá baramanneskja mótin er barameð typiskilur viðég veitég er ekki alvegþarnaég skil ekki alvegskoI personallysome of my favorite peoplein this worldare homosexual menthat I've metthrough the yearsand the reason whyit's not becauseof their sexualityit's because the freedomthat they havein being themselvesthat's somethingI likefor myselfand that I admireand I think that it's likegood vibrationto bring up people around youyou know likeI know who I amand I'm ok with thatyou know what I meanthere's a freedom to thatI don't know aboutthe social side of thingsyou knowI think thatsociallywhat we're experiencingis a kind ofcontrolled demolitionof western societythat if you look at historyhistory does repeat itselfand wheneverempires are goinginto declineit looks like thisand it's likethe difference isis that we haveit's the American empireand the American empireis also on a global stageso we're on awe're in a globallike empirerightthat isthat isthat is in decayyou knowwhat happenswhat are some of the symptomsof an empire in decayyou have more totalitarianismmore controlmore surveillancerightless libertieslessless trustbetween the governmentand the peopleand lesssamrænmeð mittliðþað sem fólker að segjaí ennbættinuþess ains ogþess að our politiciansand the rock starsare talking aboutjáðið að sjálfbara börð með þaðbased on national prideyou can saythat our ancestorsfought and survivedon this landfor a thousand yearswhy would you evenconsider giving it upyour ancestorswould be turningin their gravessecondlywhy are all thesepoliticianswhat do you thinkwhat do you thinkthese politiciansare doinglike Kristrúnheyshe's ambitiouslet's just sayshe's a career womanand she isdefinitely has her owncareer in her eyeyou know what I meanwhen she's thinkingabout these decisionstowards the European Unionshe can justify itin the way thateveryone justifiestheir actionsrightbut the clear thingis that there's nota lot of trustbetween the peopleand government anymoreI have a few ideasI think thatthe only wayto adopt trust againadopt trust againis the same waythat I do itis transparencyif we can havetransparencyin our relationshipwith each otherthen we canget closervið stáðar hægtfyrir nántog skilningog með að segjavinn í hlutumsem er að erfið skiluron a personal levelbut on a governmentto personallike or on a governmentto likepopulation levelthere is notransparency regardingwhere is all ourtax money goingwhy don't we havea bohkaltcheck this outthis is real easy todayI think it's really easyI'm not going to sayit's going to solveall the problemsI'm just offering ideaswhy can't we havean appin our phonethat isblockchain technologythat's to saythat ourtax moneyand all theeconomic systemthat we have heresociallyanddomesticallyI guessin the homeland herelikeit's allon blockchainbohkaltso everything is visibleanyone can look at itall the timeyou can seewhere all your tax moneyis goingwhy can't we have thataf því að þú erðibrálaðurí hvað penninganþið innir færðiyeah well that's another thingwe have transparencywhat's the other thingthat we needparticipationwe need peopleto give usshit aboutwhat's going onin governmenthere it's likethisóbeldi sambandmittliðbörnog foraldrarog Íslandigerir börninþað er baraoh shittyþú veistgovernment's gonna do thisgovernment's done that to ushæka skattanaþú veist fariðað vera uppá sambandvið kvörtumog kvörtumog kvörtumand put your head downand keep workingwhy?because thiscountry is builtoff of slavesthere's a slavementality herestillríkjandiin the genetic memoryrightso it's easierjust to grumblebecause heyit's good quality of lifeit's nice living hereI love living heregood airgood waternot a lot of peoplenot a lot of crimeI mean it'sbeautiful countryit's paradise manandbut if we wereto open upbetweenthe governmentand the peoplerightthen we would have tochange the natureof our relationshipwith our governmentI mean look at Switzerlandtake a referendumon everythingwe havewe have smartphoneswhy notwhy can't weeducate ourselveswe could hire peopleto likebe in think tankstotoassist peoplein this newtechnicalliketechnocraticgovernment paradigmrightI know it's kind oflike idealisticbutthe problem islack of transparencythen we have torestore transparencythen when we havetransparencywe have to teachthe publichow to participatein the runningof their governmentand the moresocially consciouspeoplewe havethe betterit isfor the healthof our societyright nowI can tell youwe're not very healthynot at allso that'sthat's somethingthat could be niceyou knowwhy not blockchainwhy not transparencywhy not first knowwhere all the moneyis goingthen people can actuallyyou knowcomplain about itand another thingif our politiciansdon't stump themthey can be firedon the spotyeahcosting a lowersorryyou don't get to befour yearsand you're not goingto do what you'regoing to dowhy notthen theythen they realizethere's real consequencesfor not doingwhat theypromisedand not doingtheir joband I meanwe can havebetter fact checkersyou knowI don't knowcount me inwhy can't wethe populationhave aeftelitof thingscount me inwe have alot offunyeahbut you knowit's just an ideaI haven'tthought everythingoutbut it's justyou knowit would beinterestingandbecause I careabout societyI care aboutthe worldandþað er börnuminnog það erekkaég væri ekkisvonaþað væri ekkifyrir þaðég myndi ekkiað hugsahvernig geturbætsamfélagikringmérþú veistég verðaþjálfveikekkertmörgumég verðagætaog hérnaég elskargætaég er baraþú veistað sínafólklandu okkarog hérnaað því aðþú veistþetta ergeðveikfalliðlandskilurjá jáþetta er þaðthe main sourceof incomeen hérnajá ég elskarég elskar þettaþú veistmér langaralltaf aðbæta landiðog komaeitthvað ferskinniþað þarfskoI meanI don't want to gointo the European Unionalso becauseI get the vibelike this situationnowis like the United Statesvoting for Trumpthis would be likeIceland voting for Trumpinitially it looks goodand it's likeat least we havea different formof corruptionthan what we'vealways been used tobut it's gonnascrew us overin the endI think soég er sammálaðurég segi neiskoneiskoþað er ekki að sjá þettaog það er ekki heldurpeningum sem fer í þaðað sjá þaðog það er líka gottað fólker að koma framað sjá á netinufólk sem er búinað lesa sig til um þettaog vita hvaðþetta snýst umog eru baraað checkaað checkathe dialoguebecause they're reallytrying to sell this to usog ég veit ekki hvaðmeð stýrivextihérna um daginnhvað var þettaþað fór upp í 8%hvað var þettaég veit ekkiok okef þú hugsaður þaðþú veistyou increase the stressand the tensionbecause it brings peopleto their kneesand then when peopleare on their kneesthey're willing to acceptwhatever solutionyou bring themég er búin að talaofta um það til þaðsem ég vilað segjaútlendingamálumjáég baraég þorlega þetta ekkiI don't knowI see a lot of them workingI don't knowI don't knowthere are also criminalsthere isat least I seethere's a big influxof foreign populationég baraþú veistþau fá svohérna háar bæturþau koming aðskonú er ég öryrkiút af því að ég erbúin að lendi áfælgjaðumþað var miklu hæribætur en égog það var allt frýttskocould that bepart of along termdestabilizationprocessbecause it'sit's allit's in all western societyat the same timethis is happeningnow I'm notI'm not sayingit's bad or goodnow I'm sayingthe influx of immigrantsinto the western worldit's all happeningat the same timeen það er svo margirmörgulegund að segjanei núnabara stoppaen ekki Íslandvið erum búin að takavið miklu flerummeð að við höðutullu heldurna aðrijá já jájá okég er ekki baraað kynna mér þaðog ég minna útlendingargetur skoeða ekki útlendingarheldur inflytjandurþú veist skoég er útlendingarjá ég veit aðfara heimtíðinfara heimtíðinjokeneiflóttamennjá jágetur til dæmis barabörnir þeirragetur bara að ringa til leigubílog fara á KFCog fengið sér að borðaog leigubílinn býður á meðanjá okog fara svo bara heimog ríkir borgarvúst allt svonavúst þau getur til dæmiség þekkir stærksem á leigi íbúðinu sínaer þetta ekki til að uppfyllaákveðin mannréttandireglugerðumþað er ekki mannréttandiað bara kási í leigubílnei ég er að tala umþú veist bara út fráEvrópusvæðiog bandurískog allt þettaþú veistþað er ákveðin svonamannréttandi reglugerðsem the government are enforcingþú veisttil að viðhaldahérnaímynd umþað vará einhverjum ákveðin tímupunktien við erum búin að takamiklu fleiri enn þurftijá okog ég vilmín skoðunþegar þú brítur að þérþá búin að setja frímerkog raskata að þérog heimtijá er það ekki samteitthvað sem er að gerast núnajá bara fyrir eitthvaðað vasa þjóða á eitthvaðen einhver sem er inn í fangasinnúnasem hafi bróta á sérog handteknirog farinvísa úr landijá þeir eru búin að setjaástæðið þér í þaðjájáen ekki fyrir nöðgaranaog svonajá þetta er ræðilegaskosérstaklegasaman hvað þeir finnstsem þettasaman hvað þeir finnstsemég er ekki móti útlendingumjá ég veit þaðsaman hvað þeir finnstsem randarrettandiog inflyttin málumþetta er líka svonaákveðan vandamálum sem sagtmenningarlegaþú veistmismunumbecause in these countriesthat these men are coming fromthey do not respect womenneiþað er nefnilega þannigþú veistég vil baraskoef þú ætlar að flyta til Íslandsog koma hérnaog vera hluta samfélaginuþá ertu velkominn mjög vegnaef þú ætlar bara að vera hlutaá íslensku samfélagiþá finnst mér barafólk velkominnjá jáen ef þú ætlar að komahinga til þess aðfarabrjóta áíslensku fólkihvað sem ári að kallaeða konureða börneða hvað það erþá vil ég ekki sjáþaðgæti það veriðmaybe this is a conspiracy theorybut could this all bea kind of engineered demolitionof western societygæti það veriðbecause you bring this chaotic factor inand it causesunrestit causes chaosit causes sundrungit causes people against peopleand that's thedivide and conqueris the justpractice todayit's notit's not somethingnóta í spariþað er barapartur af basicallyreglugjörðum íí fólkinuþegar það er að veramanaging peopledivide and conquerput them against each otherlike I saidwith the hundredsskilur það náðanbut who's narrativewho has more rightto the griefand to the microphonewho has moremore right to the stageeveryone's just fightingeach otherand competing forwho has it worseand it's a victim cultureen þaðmér finnst til dæmisbara eins ogþú veistþegar það er verið aðþegar menningarheimatnireru svona ólíkirog það komatil dæmis þessi mennsem virða bara ekkikonuren á Íslandierukonur og kallarþú veistþað er ekkieðlilegtá Íslandiað nöðkaskilur viðþað er bannaðað nöðka á Íslandien svo komaþeir hingaog þeir nöðkaþví það erleift í þeirramenningahemiwell I meanwell let'sok withwith regards tolike some of the storiesthough of like womenthat I've knownthrough the yearsand they talk aboutlike men that haveyou knowraped themskilur viðþú veistand it's notas innot like they havea knife to their throatbut they're drunkyou know what I meanand they're forcingthemselves upon themrightand konur baraláta sig hafa þarskilur viðþú veisten það erekki með þeirri samþyggiþau fullta tilvirkumskoum það sem ég hefhægtog líka bara svonaeitraðþettafélagssamfélagsmiðlaþú veistkerfið ervarandi samskittimillir kynningina þarþað er alvegrosalegtþú veistkallmenn baraskilur þetta ekkií alvegþú veistþettaand then I understandmy grandmathat maybe why she wantedan American servicemanbecause it's likeyou knowheycan Iget to far meút a borðamaður langar að kynna sér betumaður langar að hýta þigekki bara eitthvaðþú veistbara ógeðbara hvaðþú veistskoþað er svonaþannig maðurþannig að það erokkur en savage dæmií hérnaþú veistbut then againifwho raised these menpappar þeirraeðaneimammur þeirramammur þeirraen þeirr borðuþað er samtjá ég veit þaðég veit þaðég er að segjasvonaþvíjá okthe mothers beat the sonsneineithe fathers beat the womenjáunderstandþú veistþaðþú veistþað hlýtir að búa tilákveðin svonasvonaprimal naturesem erþú veistsvolítiðóþróskaðkallmennskaþú veisten það er svonafullt af góða kallmennog fullt af mönnumsem ég þekkisem eru baraþú veistway betterdads than meand you knowlike way betterfamily menég held að flestallir kallmennséu góðirjáand þú veistað heyra þessisögur sem égbúin að heyraþú veistmálegawe talk about likeokI wouldI would love to policethose momentsas a manif I saw another mandoing thatthe thing isis that I don't hang outwith those kind of guysso it's hardlike I don't sit in the saunaand likewe don't talk to each otherlikesohave you raped anybodyyou know what I meanthose conversationsjust don't come upyou know what I meansopolicing thethe same sexis you knowin the momentI would do itbut like I saidI don't hang outwith those kind of peopleand those peopleare thereand I hear the womentalk about some of their storiesandyou knowI know thatI have a lot of red flagsandég hef aldreinöðuðu að konurskilurég hef aldreilámið konurþú veistég hef allur veriðmjög veikur tilfinlegaog sagt allurljótu hlutirskilurþú veistog verið baraívery likeyou knowsex and love addictionkind ofyou knowrelationshipsskosem voru baraandyeahbaraand it'sit's not easybeing bipolarand havingsexual emotionalrelationshipsbecause it'sþess aðlistilfinlegaogþess chemicalsand all thatbutbut I'm superlikeif there's one thingþú veistIII have good baby mamasyou knowI meanthey're good mothersand I'm greatfor thatyou knowand even thoughI have difficultieswith themand they have difficultieswith mebecause Iexactlyit goes both waysI'm difficultlikeI stilldon't regrethaving my kidswith themand I'm gratefulthat they are the mothersof my childrenandI just hopethatbecause they aresuch good mothersI've hadI've hadfears aboutexactly what we'retalking about theresee I put my sonin wrestlingfor two yearsand he'shann er veriðfimmleika núnaog hann er hættiglímurí vorandthe ideawith glímurfor kidsfor meis likeI want my kidsmy sons especiallyto get usedto be physicallyclose to femalesin a non-sexual waywrestlingplayingyou knowall that stuffbecause when they doend up in kintroskait'll be easierfor themthere's another issuethat I haveis like wellat leastit won'tnot that it won'tbe easier for thembut at leastit'll be lessuncomfortablefor the opposite sexthat they're gonnabe trying to engage withthat's the wayI see it anywayandthe one thingI'm worried aboutthough isis thatif my sonhas such a goodbakruneða þess baklandþatnahennar mennömmurfrænkurmammursýstuistekki sýstufrænkur mammurömmurlangammurog það erkjöfveikgóð fjölskyttuand they're really goodwith the languagethey're language nazisyou know what I'm sayingit's like they're superlanguage nazisyeah language nazisthethethe Icelandersneed thoseyou knowyou guys need toprotect your languagefrom guys like mein Asiabutwhat I'm worried aboutis if heif there's nochallenge to himif there's no onepresenting him a challengeand usually I thinkthat would be the fatherthenhe will grow upwithtilætlanþað semthat womenare supposedto treat me this waywomen are supposedto meet my needsrightand give me what I wantandand baby meand you knowand I don't really have togive anything in returnyou knowandthat's something I fearso I wonderif that's what happenswith these onesthat lose controlbecauseif they're not used to knowfrom a womanthey don't have the emotionalregulation to handle thatand that þröjtseisn't thereand then they takewhat they wantthat's mysuspicion anywayohand thesethese youngkids todaywho are always upand we areall sold upsuchhalf-sophisticatedemotions todaypeople can bein touchwith meor notyeahI meanit's a simple wordyou knowbut I getI get thethe atmosphereyou're describingbecause I'm witnessingit in real timemyselfyeahthe next generationthere's a hugedistance betweenand also just to seewhat social mediahas done to themandyou knowit's talking aboutall of atwice a daycome aungi krakkaraðalastrákarinn ábráðamóttökuað þeir haldaað sé þeirog þeir eruástasorghayeahwhatyeahjárðurég hef aldreiheilt þettawower það máliðþessi ungistrákarneða þeir eru ekkivöðin að fáneieru ekki vöðin að fáhöfnunjaungir þá er þettatala umkannski2020ogjárðurþað erwell that's goodI can tell youheartbreakI'mI'm somebody thatlearns from painand getting brokenyou know what I meanlikeI was so fragmentedfrom the beginningthat I didn't really havea strong sense of selfso I was able toput something togetherbut I'm always able tobreak it back down againandand find what worksand what doesn't workbutputting yourselfinto those situationsexposing yourselfand exactlythe honestythat I have in meis thatthat I put my soulon the tablenone of my relationshipsare superficialþú veistþað er alvegreal skin in the gameþað tekur áskilur andlaog þetta er parturaf þessu þróskafærtliþú veistþú þart að faraí gegnumþað sérstenssem ungur maðuryou have to have rejectionyou have to be abandonedyou have to prove yourselfI don't think that it'sI don't think that it's healthyto tell our sonsthat they don't have to prove ourselvesthey already want toboysvið erum að með mættaþú veistþetta er mjög einfalltdæmitippastærðtippakepniskilurvið erum bara byrðið þannigvið erum að meðtastvið erum að keppaþú veiststeal on stealskoand if we don'tget the opportunityto failby putting ourselvesin those positionsexposing ourselvesthen we won't becomethe men that society needsyou knowand any menthat society needsis also trying to get betterég held að þetta séðeinmitt þetta semþú ert að segjaþað er baraef við erum alltaf mikiðað setjabönnir í bómullað þáfáum við ekkisvonaþraut segjaþú veistannars fer égbara eftir til mömujáþú veistþað er rosað erfiðað ala það uppán þess aðbrjóti sjálfsmyndút af því aðþað var mittuppeldiog svona við getum barafórsetið gegn núna mæðurþú veistbaravið getum barathis can just bea personallikeog það er baraað vera talumtil að byrja meðþað er baraað kenna bönnumað tapja í spilumskilur viðbara byrjaeitthvað staðarmy sons don't havethe scapgerthat I havemy little cousin doeshe's six years oldbut he's likeone of myskjóðabaskkörbóltundainhún gera þaðog svo barayou fuckingliður í þessuhann var sex áraað segja þaðþú veisthann var barayou fuckingliður í þessuhann var ennþá meðog hann held afog hann sagðijá það er alltafgott að þú ertrænskillin meðnú getur þú gert beturþú veistþetta er dæmisem ég gett unni meðen ég er að vinnameð krakkarsem erustrafkarna mínireru aðeins öðruvísiþeir eruthey havea self-esteem systemthat is intactsomething that I didn'thave at that ageso it's always beenkind of likemore likeok I'm hereyou knowand I'll put youthrough the patternsthat I knowthat are successfulrightwe're always doingsomethinggoing to trainingyou knowgoing to the poolalways trying toörfafélagshættin að hættinað líka skilurbut like with regardsto meðnaththat's somethingthat I can't reallyfæri yfirbecauselike my oldest sonhe says he wantsto be a fighterlike meI told himI don't want youto do thatbecause the conditionsthat made meare the reasonwhy I'm this wayand you didn't havethose conditionsand I'm glad you didn'thave those conditionsand you don't haveto do it for mebut I did tell hima long time agowhen he's 16he's going to haveto fight meif he wants to be a manso he still hasthat in his headhe's likeI gotta fight dadwhen I'm 16Þetta er barafólk fyrirgegnum í mislegog það erþín vegfæriðbara ástæðanfyrir að þú ertmaður sem þú ert í dagyeahand I'm gratefulfor violenceoh yeahbecauseheytodaydon't fuck with meþað er bara þannigthough it's notto be fucked withand that's the naturethat I've earnedyou knowandI have self securityyou knowand evenif somebodywas gonna comekick my assthat's the pointsomebodycome kick my assI'd be betterbe shockedI might laughrightbut theythey won't havemy fearthey won't havemy emotionsskilurog það er styrklegiþað er styrklegiendur heimta sjálfsem skowhat am I doingall these yearsI'm takingthose brótiglérskilurfrá mammiog svona glérbrótumég baraendur heimta sjálfbara lítiðí einuskilurseta samanog það er fuckingtedious work manand likeI bleedanden þetta er semtbúið að vera stórtverkefnien það hefur tekist velþó það sé ekki búiðI mean only the lastthree or four yearsdo I see the turnoverof the last 15soI can't fully saywhat it was liketo experiencewhat you experiencedeven though we've experiencedmaybe similar thingsbecause you're your ownunique phenomenonrightso I can't fully saywhat it's liketo go throughwhat you went througheven if we wentthrough the same thingsand I can'ttell anybodyhow much time it takesto go throughthe thingsthat they need to go throughall I can sayis that you have tosave your own soulthat's the work hereog það geturengin sagtfyrir einhvern annanjá og ég skilnákvæmlegahvað þú upplýðirþað er ekki hægtwhen people say thatit's such a wallI knowþað er bara svonanonei þú veist það ekkiþú veist það ekkiég er baraeins og þú sagði þínu á þaðen ég er barawowég get ekki ímyndið mérjáog það er baraog ég get ekki ímyndið mérþað sem þú hefur upplýfaðskilur þúit gets to the womenthey're likeohthey hear itskilurmeð mömmuog það verður reyðog bara svonaþað vilja gefa mér að borðaog bara knúsa migjáen þetta er baraþú veistþað eigast allir sögujáog ég er ótrúlega þakkafyrir að þú vildi komatil mín og segja þýra sögujájá takk fyrir þettaég þú veistég fórægtég vil ekki faraótrúlega því þú veistthe female relationship dynamicsbecause you knowthe women in my lifethey have really triedyou know what I meanand I am almost impossibleég er ótrúlega því skoas wonderful as I amand they know thatI am still very difficultog vantur á skærog sumis við þeimog það hefur skalað hæmog ég mennaI feel badthat they had to be partof my learning processbut the best thing I can dois at leastlearn from itand get betterog það er barahægt og bitandiþróskafærtliðog ég er baraI've had somehad some good girls manreally good womenmálið varég var ekki færumað taka mótiég var ekki færumað lefaþess að vera í lægiog því ég kannbara að geða þigog kæjaog stuðuleikaþannig aðI try to recreatethe painrecreate other stuffthat give me painand lonelinessbecause that's allthat I have identifiedwithas a childand that's safetyog þannig erlífið often ég er ótrúlegatakkilegt fyrir aðað fengi þigjá svo viðerum að talahefur lengijá en það er baraskenleittég get alveg að talalengi skojá já ég get það líkaég er að talaég er að heyravinkunum mín um daginnfyrir fimm klukk tímaerðu þiðtakk að æsla fyrir þettaok takkog takk þið fyrir að hlustaok
